From the archives
Hee. I was going through old unused post drafts and found this one from, golly, must be like 2004 or 5. I found it hilarious and am resurrecting it. Keep in mind how old it is; I do not believe that the Delaware Art Museum is still closed for renovations.
Today we respond to folks who emailed asking for advice on various topics. Letter number 1:
Dear The Hearn,
I’ve been dating this girl for like 7 months, and I’m totally digging her. But I think she’s gonna break up with me. How do I know, you ask? I just sense a growing indifference towards me. Plus I caught her in the shower with my father. What should I do?
Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried:
I am known the world over for my expertise in two areas: my totally rad UNIX Engineering skillz, and my ability to keep the ladies on lockdown. I will use the latter to dispense advice to you now.
If you’re worried about a girl leaving you, the easiest way to get her to stick around is to have an enormous wang. Unfortunately, it sounds like you came up short in that department, since Bonnie, or whoever she is, needs to get a frequent taste of your dad’s sugarstick. The second best way is to put a large diamond ring on her finger. It is absolutely incredible how easy it is to keep a girl in your pocket once you bling her left hand up.
Don’t wanna get married? That’s not even a problem. The average engagement these days is something like 2 or 3 years, and you’ll have gotten tired of her and dumped her long before then. On the other hand, it can get expensive. I recommend cubic zirconium. The only way she’ll be able to tell the difference is if she goes to a jeweler and has it professionally examined, and if she does that, RUN. Throw her to the curb and move to Montana.
Because she is crazy.
Dear matthearn.com,
My baby mama keep axing me for money. I’m all, “Damn, beotch, you get $550 a week in welfare (’cause of her 7 kids) and I livin’ on the street for 2 months now.” I cain’t even keep a job ’cause I can’t afford to shower at the YMCA and my clothes smell like onions and crack. I needs help!
Broke as a Joke
<stunned silence>
Dear Broke:
Please submit your query over at The Temple of Black Jesus. Hopefully they’ll be able to help you, since all I can say is:
- Stop smoking crack.
- Onions are merely a flavor additive. They are not a self-contained meal.
- Perhaps see about having your baby mama killed.
- $550 a week? The Libertarian in me is outraged, but the lazy jerk in me is wondering how I can get a piece of that action.
Dear Matt,
You are so rad. How can I be more rad like you?
Unhip in East Gabip
Now this is a letter. I agree…my radity is unbounded. Unfortunately, how my hipness is defined is impossible to qualify or quantify. My only advice can be: buy some really hot shoes, and learn to like Dewar’s.
Dear Hearn,
My wife and I are contemplating a trip to Delaware to see the sights! We plan to be there for roughly a week. Do you have any recommendations on where to stay, and what to see?
Bob Jenkins of Casper, Wyoming
Dear Bob,
Delaware is a tourist’s paradise! We’ve got the beaches . . . um, and . . . Hagley Museum! Yeah, that’s a must see. And, uh . . . well, we’re close to Philadelphia!
But seriously, there is a lot to see in Delaware. If you come, you can stay in the hotel where Amy Greenberg had her boyfriend kill their baby! If you’re not into that kinda thing, the Hotel Dupont is always nice, although pricey. But, if you really wanna get the Delaware experience, I suggest you stay at the TallyHo Inn on Concord Pike. I think they even have nap rates!
As for things to see, well, the Delaware Art Museum is closed for renovations (or was, last I checked). You can go to Longwood Gardens, though! Except that’s technically in PA. Winterthur is open, if you’re interested in homes built and occupied by moderately insane rich folks. (Those last four words seem strangely redundant.)
Honestly, the best thing to see in Delaware (other than me) is probably Rehoboth Beach, particularly if your wife gets turned on watching guys making out.
Hope this helps!
Yo Hearndogg,
Yo man, I got all KINDS of wasted last month and I don’t remember much, but now this girl Karin is all “we got it on” and I’m all “was it any good” and she’s all “hell no and I’m late” and I’m like “is it mine” and she’s all “do I look like a slut” and I’m like, “um, DUH” and then her dad broke my arm with a piece of, whaddayacallit, rebar. What do I do now?
Elliott in Arkansas
Buy her a ring and hope for the best, although in your case I suspect “the best” involves marrying the girl, divorcing her after 10 months, and paying $2000 a month in child support and alimony until the cops find out about that crystal meth lab in the basement and you get shanked in prison for not letting Bruno love you like he told you to.
Okay folks, be sure to send your advice requests to advice [at] matthearn [dot] com! I’ll answer ’em when I get around to it, or something. Yeah.
