matthearn.com

You know what I need? Better hair products. I have acres, nay, bushels of various mousses, pastes, gels, and sprays, and not one of them really makes my hair do what I want it to do consistently. I’m sure many of you feel the same way, right? Right?

Back in the day, men used hair pomades, thick, greasy stuff made from pig lard and wombat tears. Look at this guy:

That’s Rudolph Valentino, heartthrob, actor, peritonitis victim, and all-around man-about-town. I’m not sure when that picture was taken, but it probably was in the early 20s (since he died in 1926). I guarantee he hadn’t had to comb his hair since he put in a fistful of Murray’s in it in 1914.

Why can’t I get that stuff? I want that slick, sleek look.

On second thought, Valentino was able pull of the sleek look because he was handsome; it’s in everyone’s best interests that as much of my hair be in front of my face as possible. So, uh, nevermind.