matthearn.com

Hi! I’m Matt Hearn, and I’m here to tell you that you, too, can learn the secrets of gaining weight. Just listen to these testimonials!

• “Using Matt Hearn’s plan, I gained 8 pounds in just under a month! Then I met a dude that digs fat chicks! ALL RIGHT!” – Tara Lipzinsky
• “I had always been afraid of bacon, but Matt Hearn and his Plan of Deliciousness showed me the light!” – Tom Skates
• “My pancreas stopped producing insulin!” – Sally Struvas

In just 5 easy steps, I’ll show you how you can maximize your chub, while minimizing your ability to walk up slight inclines without chest pains!

1. Are you eating right now? No? That’s a HUGE mistake. My plan will show you how to find the nearest snack machine and select the greatest calorie item for the lowest price! (Hint: avoid crackers, and go straight for the Three Musketeers!)
2. Do you drink a lot of water, or coffee? I’ll show you how non-diet soda can really put the pounds on. (Hint: you might think that sugar packets are only for cofee or tea, but there’s no reason you can’t sprinkle them onto your Dr. Pepper!)
3. Do you drink alcohol? No? Well, we’ll have to work on that too. Your best bet is drinking lots of beer, but that can be hard to do at the office without your coworkers staging an “intervention.” I’ll show you how to fill empty water bottles with cheap vodka (don’t forget to order our special funnel attachment!!!), and chew staggering amounts of Big Red to hide the booze breath!
4. After meals, do you often find that you’re “full” and “can’t eat another bite?” I’ll show you special stomach stretching exercises that will REALLY expand your capacity! And you know what that means: MORE. CHIPS. FOR. YOU!!!
5. Are you vegan and/or vegetarian? Well CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Matt Hearn, it can’t be possible or healthy to gain that much weight that quickly.” To which I respond, “Sure it is definitely possible or healthy to gain that much weight that quickly!”

I know this because I’m not just the Matt Hearn Fat Club President: I’m also a member. Through a strict diet of Single-malt Scotch, Christmas cookies, luscious meat products, and a complete lack of exercise, I went from a svelte 235 pounds before Thanksgiving, to a positively BULBOUS 250 after the New Year holiday! Obviously, your results may vary, but I promise you that if you don’t gain at least 5% of your current body weight in one month on my plan, I will personally drive to your house and bake pastry for you until you sweat heavy cream from your pores.

Don’t delay! Order now!