matthearn.com

When did I get so old? I mean, I’ve completed 3 decades and embarked on my fourth this year, and as a result my body is splitting apart at the seams. I remain surprised, on a daily basis, to wake up and discover that I still have most of my limbs.

Charles has a little red firetruck that he rides around in, which he operates with his feet, Flintstones-style. Unfortunately it doesn’t work over the broken, grassy ground of our backyard, so he insists upon being pushed around. 40-pound child plus 15-pound plastic firetruck plus Hearn hunched over trying to push it equals major back spasms, which eventually translated themselves into this weird pain in my leg; it felt rather like a nervy muscle cramp, so I attributed it to my low-carb, conspicuously low-potassium and low-calcium diet. It went away after a few days.

Last week I pushed him around again, and instead of the back pain step, pain started immediately in my leg. It was like the worst Restless Leg Syndrome of all times, and oddly enough, the pain was hard to localize. It was sort of in my butt, sort of in my leg, but there was nothing I could do to either exacerbate or alleviate it. Whatever it was, it kept me up all night. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep, filled with freakish dreams involving midgets, ponies, and them tap-dancing all over my leg.

The pain continued, in various guises, all week. Extra-strength Tylenol did nothing. Stretching did nothing. So finally over the weekend I asked a doctor friend of mine, and he said it’s probably sciatica.

Sciatica? What the hell is next? Gout? Senility? Priapism?

Turns out that apparently, if you sit on your wallet for long enough, it’ll pinch off a nerve in your bootyus largeus, which results in semi-permanent pinching. A few inflammatories, some walking, and switching my wallet to the other side will hopefully resolve the issue.

Otherwise I have to get ass-replacement surgery.