matthearn.com

It’s been so long since somebody emailed me one of those pointless quiz forwards that I had completely forgotten how AWESOME they are. Awesome in that they give me the means of producing a “hilarious” new post in a matter of minutes because I don’t have to come up with an amusing topic. Heck YES! I got this one courtesy of my sister, whose responses were even funnier than mine, but I shan’t be reprinting them ’cause that wouldn’t be original. Also she’d kill me, ’cause it mentions the time she sharted on her halloween costume.

Completely Useless Facts About Me

• Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
  Open, because the pile of clothing and shoes in there prevents the door from closing.
• Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
  Of course. What do you think “complimentary” means? It’s a miracle I don’t steal the remote and the Gideon Bible.
• Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
  One, that I remember; we tried to get a number in high school but were foiled by rusted bolts. I think we stole a stop sign from a school once. Don’t ask about political campaign signs; I think the BHS band single-handedly altered the 1994 New Castle County elections.
• Are you eating anything right now?
  Drinkin’ me a diet grape soda; thinking about maybe a beer and some dried fruit. (Update: I had a sausage sandwich as well.)
• Who do you think reads these?
  Both of my readers, hopefully!
• Do you have a calendar in your room?
  Bedroom? Nope. In my office I have a couple, to mark paydays, holidays, duty days, etc.
• Where are you?
  My criznib! It’s mad pimped!
• What’s your plan for the day?
  Seeing as it’s now 4:32pm on a Friday, my plan consists of finishing up some work, finishing this, cracking open a frosty brew, watching some baseball, maybe ordering some food. I know: exciting.
• Are you reading any books right now?
  I just finished Far From The Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy; now I’m working on Immediate Fiction by Jerry Cleaver and Damn! Why Didn’t I Write That? by Marc McCutcheon.
• Is it cold out?
  Moderately chilly, if you’re a wuss. (I’m a wuss.)
• Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
  Only on staircases. Most of the time I’m avoiding cracks. I’m OCD about the stupidest thing. Why couldn’t I be OCD about, say, cleanliness? No, not me. I have to fear sidewalk cracks and toothpaste.
• Have you ever peed in the woods?
  Hell, I’ve peed in bushes in my backyard during dinner parties.
• Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
  If my wife needs me to give her choreography ideas. (They’re always AWESOME, and usually inspired by something in a Justin Timberlake video.)
• Do you chew your pens and pencils?
  I don’t write by hand much. Also, I had a number of bad experiences with leaking pens in high school, so I’ve learned my lesson there.
• How many people have you slept with this week?
  Let’s treat this question literally and say one. My main old lady.
• Favorite place to buy make-up?
  Joker’s Wild. They have a nice selection of stage items that I use to make myself look pretty when I “act.”

• What is your “Song of the week”?
  Heavens, I dunno. Let’s check iTunes for my most recent addition. Oh right: “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. It won an Oscar! Yay Irish people!
• Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
  I am, even as we speak. It makes me look pretty, like the little girl Daddy always wanted me to be.
• Do you still watch cartoons?
  Sure. Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, yaoi, etc. (Note: don’t Google yaoi. Just…don’t.)
• Whats your favorite love movie?
  Grosse Point Blank. Does that count? People fall in love. Other people get shot! It’s great!
• Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
  In a S&P500 Index fund. Earn 8% on that shiznit, yeah.
• What do you drink with dinner?
  It depends on the meal. If it’s good gourmet stuff, wine. If it’s meat-and-potatoes, probably beer. If it’s a sammich and chips, probably a diet soda. I don’t really drink water because it makes my teeth hurt. (Yeah, I have no idea. My body is bizarre.)
• What do you dip Chicken Nuggets in?
  Honey, if available. Everything else goes into mayonnaise.
• What is your favorite food/cuisine?
  That’s like asking someone to pick a favorite breast. They’re all pretty awesome. I’ll eat just about everything. (Food, not breasts. I am legally obligated to avoid all breasts but those owned by my significant other.)
• What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
  Grosse Point Blank. People get shot! It’s great!
• Last person you hugged/kissed?
  Either my wife, or a Thai hooker, I can’t remember. So much of my life is a blur.
• Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
  I was a Cub Scout for like a year, until I realized they were never going to let me hunt and kill my own bear.
• Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
  Sure. I don’t really have shame when it comes to my body; most everybody know has seen me nekkid at one point or another. Whether or not anybody wants to see me nude is a different matter. (The prevailing opinion is, uh, no.)
• When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
  Golly. Probably the late 80s. I had a penpal for like a month until I realized she was never going to let me hunt and kill my own bear.
• Can you change the oil on a car?
  Yup. Haven’t done it in a while though because I like to make sure the cars get all the safety and other checks that they do, so I don’t have my brakes fail at 70mph with my son asleep in the back.
• Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
  A bunch, but I’ve been lucky enough to space them carefully so I don’t lose my license.
• Run out of gas?
  Back in high school I had a 1972 Pontiac Grand Ville that got something like 4 miles per gallon. I would fill it up on Monday (took over 20 gallons, plus a quart of fake lead additive, for a total cost of like $22) and drive it maybe 80 miles during the week, mostly to school and back, and the gas would be gone. It was ridiculous. Anyway, one time I was driving around with my boy Josh, hoping we could make it home to borrow money from my mom before we hit bottom, and the thing died. Josh’s mom was kind enough to bring us a gallon to get it going. Later on I was trying to make it home from a rehearsal, in the rain, and same thing happened; I had to walk, in the rain, to my friend Andrea’s house, so she could drive me home. I still miss that car. I occasionally dream about it.
• Favorite kind of sandwich?
  Probably a turkey club. That shiznit is so good. Bacon and mayonnaise should have been two of the ancient elements.
• Best thing to eat for breakfast?
  Bacon and anything. Pancakes, eggs, waffles, all fantastic, but bacon is a must.
• What is your usual bedtime?
  It floats a bit, but usually somewhere around 11. If there’s a particularly good Family Guy on we’ll stay up until 11:30, or at least I will; Sarah inevitably falls asleep.
• Are you lazy?
  I’ll get back to you.
• When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
  The best costume I ever had was in first grade, aka 1984, when I dressed up as DangerMouse. Mom was so awesome to whip that puppy up for me.
• How many languages do you know?
  I guess it depends on how you define the word “know.” I studied German and Russian in high school, but remember little of each.
• Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
  Bon Appetit, I think. I never get around to reading it, though.
• Which are better, legos or lincoln logs?
  Construx.

• Are you stubborn?
  Not as much as I should be. I’m pretty easy-going, really, which means I tend to try to make everybody happy. I fear confrontation.
• Ever watch soap operas?
  My wife is a big Days of our Lives fan. It’s often on in the background.
• Afraid of heights?
  Yes and no. I’m not scared of bridges or planes or anything, but climbing trees and ladders makes me nervous. I can usually fight through it by not looking down. Also by drinking a 12-pack of Dogfish Head.
• Sing in the car?
  Heck yes. I am the John Mayer of car singers.
• Dance in the shower?
  Heck no. That’s a good way to slip, blow out a knee, and knock out 4 teeth on the edge of the tub. I’m clumsy.
• Dance in the car?
  I am a past master of the car dance, but I tend to do it only for the amusement of my passengers. I’m more of a car drummer; my Saab’s steering wheel is surprisingly resonant.
• Ever used a gun?
  A surprising variety for such a liberal-minded soul. I have a bunch of airguns that haven’t seen the light of day since we moved into a neighborhood where using a real-looking pistol in the backyard would have the neighbors calling the cops, and I like to go to Targetmaster and rent pistols and ammo whenever I can, which isn’t very often. (It’s kinda expensive.) Went hunting once in Texas and shot me a deer, which I then ate part of. It was pretty rad.
• Do you think musicals are cheesy?
  It depends on the musical, but the genre is mostly about being over the top. I mean, it’s a little farfetched for someone about to go into a murder spree to pause and sing a 7 minute ballad about it, but it’s a common feature of musical theater. Doesn’t make it any less awesome, of course.
• Is Christmas stressful?
  Yeah, I get pretty busy with musical endeavors, plus of course all the shopping and cooking and eating of cookies.
• Ever eat a pierogi?
  Yeah, but I forget where.
• Do you believe in ghosts?
  Hard to say. I’ve never seen one, that I know of, but I hope there’s SOMETHING after we die. If it consists of walking the earth sneaking into ladies’ bathrooms, that’s not ideal, but it’s better than some of the alternatives.
• Ever have a deja-vu feeling?
  All the time, when they change something in the Matrix.
• Take a vitamin daily?
  No, but I should. The only thing I can count on eating daily is bacon.
• Wear slippers?
  I have a couple pairs, but they’re not really my thing. I don’t see the point in wearing a shoe I can’t wear outside without ruining them. I’d rather be barefoot or in socks, just like most of the time I’d rather be buck naked, wandering the house letting my genitals enjoy the air.
• Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
  Target, dude. It’s mad pimp. I shop at Walmart occasionally because there’s one like a half-mile from me, but I always end up wanting to throw the other shoppers into a display of off-brand pasta. How hard is it to control your eleven children? And how hard is it to NOT park your cart sideways in the aisle so nobody can get by? Morons.
• Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
  My son, on many occasions.
• Can you curl your tongue?
  Yep. Comes in handy when I . . . nevermind.
• Own any record albums?
  Not in my home. There’s a couple left at my parents’ house, I think, including a pretty well-worn copy of “Merry, Merry Christmas” by the New Kids On The Block.
• Hot tea or cold tea?
  Cold tea, unsweetened, with just a soupçon of bat guano.

• Are you patient?
  Not in the least.