matthearn.com

I have a problem. Namely, I have a TRULY GIGUNDOUS HEAD. Being a totally hep (hip) guy, I like to make sure that my hairstyle is up-to-date and super-duper stylish. This is hard when one’s cranium affects tides, for a variety of reasons. Number 1, any short haircut, which was the style from about 1995 to 2003, looks ridiculous on me because you can see my scalp, which leads most folks to comment “Holy crap, look how much skull that guy has!” It’s depressing and said. And number 2, long haircuts make me look like a goddamn hippie, because clothes aren’t made to fit my frame, and I hate to iron, so I end up dressed like a 1992 fat chick, all hiding my frame with baggy sweaters and loose jeans and with a mop of unkempt hair.

This is just NOT cutting the mustard, people.

So, I’ve made a study (I ran “fat head” through Google Image Search) to get a sense of what other nogginly-blessed folks are doing with their hair. The following is the result of that study.

Here we have Alan, who is getting in some early combover practice in case he starts to bald, which is pretty smart planning, when you think about it. It’s not something I’d wear out of my bathroom, but then I wouldn’t do a combover outside my bathroom. In fact, if I ever go bald, I’m going to spend the rest of my days lying in the tub, having HW bring me bon-bons and cognac.

I like to think Ray here went to his hairdresser and said, “Listen, I’m starting to develop a little lazy eye problem here, is there anything you can do to cover that up?” And the hairdresser replied, “Oh honey, if I can hide the fact that Mrs. Nelson lost an ear to a rabid Great Dane, this’ll be easier than finding love at Club Fist.”

And Ray slowly sat down in the chair, and Ray prayed.

This is Jimmy. He may or may not be French. Either way, he walked into the stylist hoping for “Gordon Gekko” and walked out with “Joe Dirt“. On the other hand, he’s wearing an argyle sock as a tie, so his style is clearly rather avant garde.

Remember when I mentioned I can’t wear my hair short? Yeah, this is why. Also, Paul here appears to be 80% jawbone. I can’t imagine how he talks, let alone chews.

Or perhaps he got jaw implants? Now THAT’s a solution to a self-esteem problem! Here I’ve been considering tasteful liposuction to eliminate the ENORMOUS MASS OF FLESH HANGING OFF MY RIBS and I could just be getting collagen injected into the sides of my face!

When in doubt: take it back to the 80s. I don’t know what kind of band this guy is in, but I GUARANTEE it could have opened for A Flock of Seagulls, or maybe Devo. I also guarantee that it never, ever, EVER ever ever, would have opened for Styx.

This guy is clearly at a Styx concert, meaning he’s wearing a band’s shirt to go see that band, which makes him That Guy, which we can all agree is a bad thing to be.

Yeah, I dunno. I guess it’s your dad, or something? Search me.

If you can pull it off, add a gold chain to the mix. A necklace can make all the difference between “mildly overweight guy” to “guy named Tony who could probably make you disappear with a minimum of fuss.”

Alvin here is totally rocking the “Boring Literature Professor” cut. I say rocking because, as it turns out, Alvin is the largest collector of antique nursemaid rocking chairs in all of Devonshire. He even has a stuffed one that he sleeps with!

Shaving cool designs into a close-cropped cut is a hip way to show your support for the local football or cricket club, or even give a shout out to a recently imprisoned/murdered homey. Or, as seen here, your favorite walrus down at the inner-city zoo!

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and HOLY COW AM I WHITE! I think a tanning bed would do more for Pat here than a haircut, so let’s just move on.

Oh, I’m sure that’s exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. All right, that’s it! I’m going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here…I’m cracking skulls!

Did you think I’d leave out my African-American brothers? Of course not! That would be racist. This is Steve; he sports a classic black man’s cut, cropped tight around the ears, but without the careful trimming of the edges that indicates true sophistication. This haircut says: I’m not paying more than $15 for a haircut, and that $15 is COMING OUT OF YOUR ASS, BOY.

I know! It’s honestly just 8 hairs! I grew them all out, carefully curled them, and applied them around my face using approximately 3 pounds of spirit gum and enough hairspray to glue my entire head to the ceiling!

As far as I can tell, no, this is not Lou Diamond Phillips preparing to play Jaime Escalante in a prequel to Stand and Deliver. But I’ve been wrong in the past. Of particular interest here is the old “concealing the weak chin with a beard” trick, which has failed, as it always does. The joke’s on YOU, Lou!

If you really want to find a good hairstyle, look to professional athletes, right? Um…not so much. But you have to give this guy some serious props for trying to bring about some kind of dreadlocked Jheri curl.

Speaking of athletes, this fine fellow is Kevin Mench, a professional baseball player. He has what is widely regarded as the largest head in professional baseball, a size 8 (the same as mine!) noggin. He has the enviable sense to just cover it with hats and batting helmets as much as possible, and hope no one notices the fact that he doesn’t technically have a neck. Kevin also hails from Delaware, which basically means there’s something really nasty in our water.

I feel like I probably shouldn’t really burn this guy, since he’s, you know, the Archbishop of Canterbury and all, but come on, people, what better way to distract from the bald spot on the top of your head than by developing the most AWESOMELY OUTSTANDISHLY RIGHTEOUS pair of eyebrows EVER? If I didn’t know better, and I don’t, I’d think he was planning to grow them out so that he could comb them back over his head, totally putting the Combover Style Establishment out of business. I mean, who could compete with that?

Finally, we have what is probably the ideal big-head style; simply shave that crap off completely, and make sure there’s a pretty girl in all your pictures.