matthearn.com

I haven’t run with this in a while, so I figured it was time to drag out Ye Olde Advice Columne Gimmicke, as usual despite the fact that nobody actually writes me asking for help. This time, instead of making up my own questions, I’m going to search online advice boards to swipe questions from there, and answer them myself, because I’m a 1st degree freakazoid. Let us begin, with a question borrowed from Teen Advice Online:

i seem to hate having my picture taken, yet I know that photos are Important for memories, especially baby pictures. I don’t seem to be bothered by having my passport photo taken. It is the family holiday photos that get to me. When my parents ask me to stand for a photo in front of a view or monument, I feel uncomfortable and I frown in the photo. My parents then warn me that I will have no good memories to take back.

I don’t know why I hate having my picture taken. Perhaps I am afraid of having a silly grin on my face. Maybe it’s because I hate standing under the hot sun or I am annoyed by the photographer’s enthusiasm. Is there any way to think better of family vacation photography?

If I had to fashion a guess, I’d say it’s because you know, deep in your subconscious, that you’re ugly. Ha ha! Just kidding! I’m sure that weird mole isn’t visible in the pictures.

Seriously, I know what you mean. I’m actually all about photography, in general; what I hate is posed pictures. I’m not particularly interested in seeing pictures of a group all facing the camera with big smiles, standing in front of, say, the Korean War Memorial. I can photoshop faces in front of landmarks with the best of them, so what’s the point? What I like are realistic photos, photos of people just doing their thing. One of my favorite pictures is actually one my father took of the back of my head as I was taking a picture of a sunset. It’s a totally phenomenal shot.

On the other hand, you need to get over yourself. When your parents say you’ll “have no good memories to take back,” what they are really saying is “WE’LL have no good memories, etc.” If it makes them happy, why disappoint them? Is it really that much trouble? Plus, in 25 years when you all go back and look through the photo albums and show the grandkids and stuff, everyone will ask, “Man, why did you always look like such a jerk?”

Just grin and bear it. Ugly-man.

Oops, probably should have read this one, from Dear Mrs. Web, last week:

I have been invited to my friend’s family for Easter. Should I bring a gift when I go? Any ideas of what would be appreciated?

Gifts are always appreciated, but no one bothers to bring them anymore. Good ideas are: a pint bottle of cheap vodka; a gift certificate to your favorite tattoo and piercing parlor; a feathered Robin Hood-style cap; warming personal lubricant; and lightly-used toilet paper.

From The Answer Man:

My problem has to do with a certain someone I work with. Let me preface this question with the fact that I am in a long term relationship with a wonderful man that I am very much in love with. I cant stop thinking about a certain coworker, however, who happens to be of the opposite sex, married and 18 years older than myself. I think about him all the time and I think about ways I can arrange my work day to spend more time with him. Sometimes I even think, if we were both single would he go out with me? I am puzzled where these feelings are coming from. Could I be searching for a father figure? (My dad passed away when I was 19) As long as I do not act on any feelings, is this normal to have a crush like this? Any suggustion on how to handle these feelings? I feel like I cant talk to anyone about this. Thank you for your help.

My advice to you is to picture the older gentleman naked, focusing especially on his genitals. That’s right: his old man balls. Picture them. Is that something you want to have anything to do with? Really? That’s gross. Wow.

Everybody gets little crushes from time to time. It’s been well-documented in this space that a menage a trois with Chase Utley and Matthew McConaughey would not be out of the question for this columnist. In my case, however, the odds of that are rather low, and also I don’t think Sarah would mind watching. In your case, however, seeing as you are a woman, the entire responsibility rests on your shoulders, because it’s well documented that men have absolutely no self-control, particularly when it comes to young, lithe women.

I guess what I’m saying is, take a lot of cold showers or hope you don’t get caught. Good luck!

From the depths of the internet:

I think my husband is cheating on me. We haven’t had sex in over 3 months! What can I do to look more attractive and win him back?

In my many years of experience with women, I have come to realize a simple fact: most women have no grasp of what is attractive to men. Women actually dress so that their girlfriends and their gay hairdresser will compliment them, which is fine. But if a straight man doesn’t find what they are wearing to be particularly interesting, they say he has no taste. This isn’t true. Straight men do have taste, it’s just completely different from women and gay men. This is no different than the way some people don’t like onions, and some people do. So let me explain, once and for all, men’s taste in women’s clothing:

We want you to dress like sluts.

Is this really surprising? I guarantee, if your husband is banging his secretary, it’s not because she’s is a really sweet girl who wears culottes and fun floral sweater sets. He’s doing so because she’s kinda dumb and wears mini skirts and semi-transparent blouses.

Let me be a bit more clear: this is not something that we like as a sexual game in the bedroom. In the bedroom women should be naked at all times. Out in public, guys want to see tight white t-shirts with dark red brassieres underneath. We want ridiculously short shorts and thigh-high boots.

Let me continue with my clarity: we don’t want you to actually BE slutty. If you do so, however, it’s not our right to complain. For some guys, it might even be a turn-on. But there’s nothing on this earth that’s sexier than a confident, smart woman, who just happens to be wearing a tube top.

You could also try giving him a broomskie (see also: motorboat).