burger king
I know I said last week that I’d be doing updates every Monday, but yesterday was a holiday, so I’m not counting it. Today’s my Monday. Take that.
I don’t know if you subscribe to the “Albuquerque Journal of Grease” (the, and I mean THE, paper of record on everything pertaining to fast food, and let me tell you it’s worth getting just for the “Chronicle of Incidents” pages; last month a guy managed to drop a lit Newport cigarette into hot fry oil and the resulting explosion killed 5 Bulgarian immigrants), but you may have nevertheless heard that Burger King, long the Jay Leno to McDonalds’s David Letterman, has recently changed its french fries. The following statements are not hyperbole:
This is a more important event than than the 2012 Presidential election. I daresay it may be more momentous than the American Civil War. Make no mistake: there is nothing more vital than for you to get your ass over to a BK to try these fries, as quickly as you possibly can, unless it’s 3am and you don’t have a 24 hour BK where you live, in which case you should probably move to civilization you bloody savage.
After years of BK producing french fries that were over-seasoned, over-spiced, and over-cooked into a rock-hard potato rod that tasted vaguely of rancid canola, they have finally seen the light and produced a fry that is not only a 3 million percent improvement over the old one, but also makes the McDonalds product look like a flaccid noodle. Burger King has improved the cut; the fries are thicker all around, leading to a nice crispy exterior and hot soft potato interior. They’ve also improved the seasoning, which is now mostly salt and pepper and possibly some other flavors that I don’t notice because I’m busy keeping my eyes from rolling back in my head with glee and bliss. They are, and this is high praise, on par with the fries at Red Robin, but available right now in fast food form probably 3 minutes from you.
If you couple this with the fact that BK’s burgers are FAR better than McD’s (which has always been the case), I think we all know where I’ll be getting my delicious fast food snacks for the immediate future, which unfortunately amounts to about 6 days because I’m going back on a low-carb diet next week and won’t be having any fries in any form and will probably have to devote myself to McD’s because I can get 6 double cheeseburgers for 6 bucks and inhale them like a chubby kid on the way home from fat camp. My life is pretty sad.
