Waaaaaaaaaaay back last winter I did a set of reviews of films I had not actually seen, and in fact STILL have not seen, because I don’t have time to see movies in theaters, and when left to my own devices am much more likely to rewatch “Taken,” which is undoubtedly showing on FX as you read this, than see anything new. Because I enjoyed that a great deal, and because there are a lot of interesting new films coming out this fall, I give you Matt Hearn’s Fall 2012 Reviews of Films He Hasn’t Seen And Is Never Likely To! Which I think is a GREAT title.
- Taken 2: The Takening. Apparently they’re already planning a third in the series, which I can only assume will be Taken 3-D: The Daughter Is Still Annoying As Hell. This is the best action movie of 2012 that doesn’t feature Daniel Craig. Even Maggie Grace and Famke Janssen (Famke: please eat a sandwich, you look like the natives tried to shrink your head) won’t be able to drag down Liam Neeson and his ability to ethnic cleanse entire tourist destinations.
- Frankenweenie: Because every parent wants spend three months explaining to their 7-year-old why Fido can’t be brought back to life. Personally I think it might be better to just make him watch Pet Sematary and show him what really happens when pets return to life.
- Pitch Perfect: On paper, it sounds solid. The director of Avenue Q, writers from 30 Rock, Anna Kendrick, and Brittany Snow to bring a little hotness. However, name one movie about a high school arts club (be it dance, music, cheerleading, whatever) that you’d give more than 2 stars to. Thinking…thinking…yeah no.
- Looper: It’s got Bruce Willis in it. And . Other than that, it involves Time Travel, which is third behind “Nested Dreamstates” and “Part Or All Of the Plot Is Being Shown Backwards” for making movies completely impenetrable unless they feature a DeLorean. Spoiler alert: Apparently Bruce Willis is just JGL from the future, which is interesting because they look nothing alike. (Select the text to make the spoiler appear. If you want, or whatever.)
- Solomon Kane: Apparently it was actually made in 2009, but is in limited release right now. I just wanted to share with you IMDB’s description of it:
A 16th Century killing machine who finds his spirituality after an encounter with the Devil’s own Reaper embarks on a mission to take down the Overload, whose human Raiders are ravaging England.
Somebody in Hollywood greenlit that. It has Max von Sydow in it.
- End of Watch. It was written and directed by the guy who wrote Training Day, and who also directed Street Kings. I’ll say this for it: he’s found his lane. If you want to make a movie involving crooked cops, David Ayer is definitely your guy. Be warned, however: he might cast Keanu Reeves in it. Important note: this movie also has Anna Kendrick in it.
- The Last House At The Left Side of The Street, Or Something Like That: I might have the name mixed up with when they released a similarly-named horror film three years ago. This movie has Jennifer Lawrence in it, so if you like her, uh, she’s in it. I think she kinda looks like a losing boxer.
- Trouble With The Curve: This movie have a bit of trouble with the fact that America seemed surprised to see Clint Eastwood behave like a crazy old man at the Republican National Convention, despite the fact that he’s played nothing but crazy old men for years. Justin Timberlake’s in it, though, and honestly I’ve never not enjoyed him. He’s pretty.
- Dredd 3D: a horrible remake of a horrible movie. Amusing fact: I saw that Lena Headey plays the villain, and immediately confused her with Lena Dunham, which gave me hope that the movie would have a nude scene or three since Lena Dunham will strip down for just about any reason (a good thing, IMHO, even if she’s not exactly centerfold material). Without nudity, however, I suspect Dredd 3D is just a pointless bloodbath. Not that I’m against bloodbaths, perse; I actually have one in my backyard.
- The Master: Philip Seymour Hoffman is in this, so it’s either pretty good, or dreadfully overwrought. Joaquin Phoenix raps in it, I’m told. Side note: is there a more overwrought word than “overwrought?” I submit that there is not.
- Sinister: I hadn’t heard of this before Sarah and I saw a commercial for it last night while watching “New Girl,” and I gotta say it looked scary as a mother. It’s also quite nice to see Ethan Hawke getting work, I wasn’t entirely sure he hadn’t overdosed in 1995.
- Seven Psychopaths: It has Christopher Walken in it. That is all you need to know. Fun IMDB comment:
When Mickey Rourke left the production after a semi-high profile clash with McDonagh, Woody Harrelson replaced him, and the project suddenly seemed more legitimate — funny how Rourke’s credit rating has slipped again.
Oh IMDB, you gossipy bitch! I love it!
- Alex Cross: Tyler Perry takes over the iconic role that Morgan Freeman played brilliantly in “Kiss The Girls” and “Along Came A Spider.” Let me repeat that: this man is now playing a role originated by the man who played Red in “The Shawshank Redemption.” Morgan Freeman, rumors to the contrary, is not dead. I really feel like President Obama should probably have stepped in here.
- Paranormal Activity 4. IMDB: “The plot is undisclosed at this time.” Well damn, I wonder what it could be about! The same crap as the first three? Hmmmmm.
- Skyfall. Did you hear that? That was my boner. I haven’t seen a movie in the theatre since Quantum Solace (a minor disappointment). Might have to break the streak for this one.
So, what are you planning to see this fall?
In case you hadn’t heard, I have just a crapload of children, I swear there’s like 17 of ’em running around the house. As a result, I haven’t seen a movie in a theatre since, if I remember correctly, “Quantum of Solace.” (Which was not as good as Casino Royale, but I’m still pretty excited for the next Bond, tentatively scheduled for release in 2072.) If I get to see a film, it’s usually something that’s played on Spike (I’m far too cheap to get any premium movie channels) 2 years after the original release, which is why the most recent full-length film I’ve seen was “Crank 2: High Voltage,” which may be the best worst movie I’ve ever seen. For reals, there’s a scene where Jason Statham and the man he’s beating up turn into enormous Japanese monsters and whale on each other in the middle of an electrical substation.
So, I’d like to do some movie reviews. Keep in mind: I haven’t seen any of these films, so my opinions are based entirely off of 1) stuff I’ve read online and 2) the TV trailers. So, get yourself ready for the first ever Matt Hearn Reviews Movies He Has Not Actually Seen!
- The Grey: Liam Neeson ends up in the woods with some people and defeats a pack of rabid wolves that hopefully play banjos and engage in a little light sodomy. Now, I’m a big Liam Neeson fan. If “Taken” is on, I’ll watch that jam, despite the fact that I have a little bit of a hard time believing that a 55-year-old man can take on an entire kitchen full of armed Albanian bad-asses (spoiler alert: Liam opens a fresh can and kills everybody while remaining utterly unscathed). I’m gonna give The Grey 3 out of 4 stars because it doesn’t feature Katherine Heigl’s cleavage, which brings us to:
- One For The Money: I thoroughly enjoyed the 3 or 4 “Stephanie Plum” novels I’ve read, so I suspect I’ll probably enjoy this movie, plus it contains the aforementioned decolletage. Also I don’t believe any movie with Debbie Reynolds in it has ever gone wrong, she’s like MAGIC. 3 out of 4 stars, only because to the best of my knowledge Liam Neeson never appears to beat the piss out of a wolf.
- The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: I have a policy of never seeing a movie based on a book without first reading the book. So, I gotta get on that like Foghat. In this case, I think I’d also like to see the original Swedish version, although I’ve heard tell that certain scenes are even more visceral than the US version, and I think you know exactly what scenes I’m talking about. Normally any movie with Daniel Craig in it gets 5 out of 4 stars, but I have to deduct a few stars here because Rooney Mara’s character reminds me of a bad experience I had in a bus station bathroom in 1997. (Warning: it can be really hard to tell the difference between spider bites and track marks on a hobo’s arm.)
- Tintin: This movie is remarkable for the real-looking animation, which leads me to what seems an obvious question: rather than spending gobs of money making the most realistic animation ever, wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just film a live-action movie with lots of CGI? 2 out of 4 stars.
- Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked: This movie is worse than terrorism. -37 out of 4 stars.
- Haywire: This movie seems like the best combination of “The Grey” and “One For The Money.” Plenty of action, and the mind-bendingly hot Gina Carano, who could probably beat me to death and have me thanking her afterwards for the mere privilege of having touched me. 6 out of 4 stars.
Last thing: Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of “
Waiting For Guffman,” one of the top 10 movies EVER MADE, and yes of COURSE I include “
Bloodsport 2” in that statement. In that vein, I present to you the following quotes:
There’s a saying in Missouri, if you don’t like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes.
He can act and he can sing and he can dance. There’s only one other person in the world who can do all that, and that’s Barbra Streisand.
My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot. This big blue book and opened up to New York and it’s an island, is really what it is. It’s this island full of people of different colors and different ideas and I can’t- It sounds like a lot of fun to me. You know, we don’t see much of that in Blaine. I’d like to maybe meet some guys, some Italian guys, you know… watch TV and stuff.
So what I’m understanding here – correct me, if I’m wrong – is that you’re not givin’ me… any money… so now I’m left basically with nothin’, I’m… left with ZERO, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I… I can’t do ANYTHIN’ with it! I need to, this is my LIFE here we’re talking about! We’re not just talkin’ about, you know, somethin’ else, we’re talking about MY life, you know? And it’s forcing me to do somethin’ I don’t wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say “no way, Corky, you’re not puttin’ up with these people!” And I’ll tell you why I can’t put up with you people: because you’re BASTARD people! That’s what you are! You’re just bastard people! And I’m goin’ home and I’m gonna… I’m gonna BITE MY PILLOW, is what I’m gonna do!
Fin.
Rehearsal for a concert I’m singing in on Saturday got a nice write-up in a local arts blog. As usual, my advertising is late and largely useless, but if you’ve no plans for Saturday night, I invite you to come to First and Central Presbyterian to hear the Mastersingers of Wilmington. We’re doing some old stuff (Bach, Schütz, John Sheppard), and some newish stuff (Desenclos Requiem, written in the early 60s but awfully modern in harmony and style). It really will be some of the finest choral singing you’ll hear anywhere in the Delaware Valley.
Awesome gal-about-town Rachel links to an interesting story about Laura Ingalls Wilder and, extensively, her daughter Rose, of whom I was dimly aware but not knowledgeable. Great stuff there, particularly about Rose’s own writings and her Libertarianism. If you’ve got 20 minutes, give it a read.
My friend Cassie has written a nifty trilogy of teen-oriented fantasy novels, The Mortal Instruments, and Simon and Schuster has seen fit to release the first book, City of Bones, on the intarw3bs. It would behoove you to read it, as it is Pimp.
I have found a new comic that you should read: Girls With Slingshots! Like all good webcomics, you need to start at the beginning and read through. Here’s an amusing one to whet your appetite:
Take a look, if you have a mo’, at this gallery of pictures of New Gibellina, Sicily. The original Gibellina was destroyed by an earthquake in 1968, and then the new town was built a few miles away. Wikipedia:
The new city was designed by many of the most prominent artists and architects in Italy, but done in a piecemeal fashion so that the parts of the new city bear little relation to one another or to the indigenous architecture of Sicily.
As a result, it has become nearly a ghost town.
Hey! You! Stop what you’re doing, and start reading Freak Angels! I’ve linked you to the beginning, because otherwise you’ll be even more confused than you would normally be.
Someone with a little too much time on his hands has made a lego sculpture of the Defenstration of Prague. I don’t know what it says about the world that this exists.
I need to start taking a better camera when I go on my little lunchtime nature hikes. Hey, people who have walked the Woodlawn Estates trails near Beaver Valley Road, is there a story behind this old stone house?
Neigh.
