Sigh.
A man who used a four-letter word to describe to his neighbors how their cat left feces in his yard was acquitted Tuesday of a disorderly conduct citation.
“A little piece of America died today when a jury of six says it’s OK to curse in front of a 13-year-old when asked not to,” Rainey said.
Really?
“It’s a sad day for morality, that this type of behavior is condoned,” Rainey said.
“We work hard to teach our children morals and teach them right from wrong.”
A little cursing is hurting the fabric of America? Given this fellows tenuous grasp of “morals,” one wonders what his opinion would be of Americans who order the torture of prisoners.
Oh snap! I totally forgot to post things today! Stupid, you know, other tasks. Well, while I try to come up with something better for later in the afternoon, I give you: Some crazy guy who says you can cure mental illness by boxing someone’s ears. It’s a lot like TimeCube, if you’re familiar with that, and if you aren’t, well go check that out too and consider yourself edumacated.
Remember all those other times I said I knew why the internet had been invented? I was wrong. Oh God, I was so wrong. This is why the internet was invented: 30 Awesomely Bad Unicorn Tattoos
Do you know why the internet was invented? Do you? It was invented for things like AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. Note: the below is, in some bizarre world, real.
Locked and loaded.
Antibiotics suck. Not only is Charles still fighting an ear infection, the Amoxycillin gave him a yeast infection on his, um…how shall I put this? On his nards. His berries. His junk. This is absolutely something we wanted to be worrying about 4 days before having our second child.
The in-laws were kind enough to take him to the doctor on Monday, who diagnosed his various ailments and gave him a different antibiotic (hopefully one that won’t give him explosive diahrrea, another fun side-effect of the Amoxycillin), along with a topical cream for Dong and The Twins (Alphonse and Mortescue, he calls them (not really)). It seems to be doing the job, but the challenge is to get him to take the medicine, because even with grape flavoring, it mainly tastes like nasty cough syrup and just a wee soupçon of brake fluid. Also any ministrations directed at his groin are met with resistance, defined as “a lot of screaming and flailing of legs,” which means that every time I put the ointment on his Wang and the Chungs, I get kicked in the head. Repeatedly.
For those of you that aren’t parents, this is what being a father is like: every day, your offspring will do something so unbelievably cute that you can barely stand it. Also, every day, you’re going to have to do something gross like put lotion on your son’s balls. That is parenting, in a nutshell.
Let’s kick off the day with Texts From Last Night, a place which archives texts that people would probably regret sending, and almost certainly regret seeing on the interwebs. Warning: very bad words, along with some pretty raunchy sexy thangs. If you’re, like, a prude, I’d not click.
Great job, “fans.”
Here’s the rule I propose: if you’re at a home game, don’t mess with the opposing fans. They’re the insurgents; you’re the US Army. Screwing with them is just like torture. It just pisses them off.
Let’s face it: Mets fans aren’t that bright. If they were, they wouldn’t be Mets fans. (Ha ha! Just kidding, Mets fan who might be reading this! Please don’t torch my car!) Now we’ll have thousands of them showing up at the Vault all season, rolling 15-20 deep, just itching to beat the crap out of someone. And some poor guy in a Cole Hamels jersey who’s taking his daughter to her first baseball game, and asked an idiot in a cheap David Wright knockoff jersey to stop dropping F-bombs, is gonna end up in the hospital. That’s gonna be so…great.
Some schmuck “fan” just created a baseball environment in which somebody’s going to get maimed. Thanks, douchenozzle.
My day so far: Charles woke us at 6:15 by falling out of bed and initiating Maximum Tears. Then on the way north I got the bird flipped at me by some dumb broad from New Jersey who was in the left lane holding up traffic all the way through the city. So let’s star the day off with a dose of awesome:
Meat Cards
Business cards made of beef jerky, embossed by laser. Salient quote:
MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex.
I know what you’re asking: do they have Twitter? of course they do.
