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On Sunday, I was scheduled to sing a Messiah concert at my parents’ church, splitting the bass solos with another nice fellow named Tom. And then Tom got sick. So I sang most of his stuff, with the entire men’s sections singing “The Trumpet Shall Sound” because it’s flat-out too high for me to get all the way through without one of my testicles exploding.

So there. Bet you didn’t know that.

Now that that’s done, I’m basically done with my various extra-curricular musical endeavours for the year. I still have church services to do, but no more concerts. My wife is pleased by this, although since her class is done her life is a lot less stressful, particularly when it comes to my absences.

Sarah’s about 4 classes away from completing her master’s degree, which is pretty amazing to me. Her GPA right now is a solid 4.0, which is flat-out ridiculous. My GPA in college was Very Bad, mostly because, for me, going to college at 18 was like giving an eleven-year-old the keys to a motorcycle. The first year was a waste of time, the second year was life-threateningly unhealthy on a dozen levels, and the remaining three years were just numb. I ended up with a degree in a subject I’m not terribly fond of but am good at and which pays well, and now I have 35-40 years of life-sucking grind to look forward to.

How thrilling.

On the other hand, since Sarah will soon be done her degree (and has no interest in immediately continuing on into a doctorate, although that would be kinda cool), the free education that comes with her job will be unused unless one of us goes back to school, so I’ve been considering the possibility of doing so. Now, if I’m smart, I’ll go back and get a degree in computer engineering. This degree has a great deal of upside: I’d be more marketable, and probably be eligible for a payraise at work. The problems are that I have zero interest in actually studying computer engineering, and my GPA in college was so detestable that getting into the program would require convincing the-powers-that-be that I’m a worthy risk, despite my history. Begging professors to let me into a program that I’m uninterested in doesn’t seem like a winner to me.

The other option is to go back and get a music degree, possibly one in conducting. This has almost no upside; it has no bearing on my 9-5 career, and basically makes me eligible to make a few extra grand a year as a church choir director (and not even one in the Episcopal church, where I’d be expected to be able to play the organ, which I cannot, at the moment, do). Also, I run into an even worse problem getting accepted into the degree because I don’t actually have a music degree at all, let alone one with a nice tidy GPA.

On the other hand, if I were accepted (which isn’t a long shot as the previous paragraph would make it seem, if I can basically do some sucking up and get every musician I know to intervene on my behalf), I could get a master’s degree in music for free, and I’m rather interested in conducting as an avocation. Getting a music degree to help advance one’s hobbies would be a poor idea if I had to pay for it, but free? Not taking advantage of it is like giving away money. Plus, theoretically if I got the degree and my GPA was pimp, I could then contact the computer engineering department and say, “Hey look, I learned how to study!” and get the master’s in that later.

Just mulling this over. Your thoughts?

Carmen is done! Finally! Not that I didn’t enjoy it, as I did, greatly, but holy Christmas Q. Patterson am I tired. I don’t know how professional touring folks do it. Of course, they don’t work 8 hour days dealing with customers and the like.

So I’m back to the regular grind, which means of course we’re freaking out because we’re baptizing Charles (well, the priest is, we’re mainly just there for the free holy water) on Sunday, having people over after that, plus a birthday party for half of Christendom as well, on Friday evening. So the house has to be respectable, which means I have to clean up some areas, like the kitchen and the downstairs living room.

Cleaning the kitchen requires me to put everything way, which means I need to finish and mount the shelves I’m building so that I have space for all my crap. Cleaning the living room requires the carpet to be cleansed, so we’ve got a crew coming tomorrow to handle that, and they’ll move the furniture, but they won’t move any little crap, so we’ve got to basically empty the room of stuff. We have a lot of stuff.

I know you’re getting exhausted just reading it. I’m exhausted just TYPING it. Plus tomorrow I have to fit in some time to get my hair cut, a piano lesson, and I need some ME time dammit or else I’m just gonna cry like a little girl.

Charles has started an amusing new trick in which he wants to grab everything within reach and put it in his mouth. This includes toys, flatware, furniture, power tools, animals, basically anything that makes the mistake of getting where he can grab it. Particularly fingers. Did I mention he has developed a tooth? Ow. The little booger is ravenous for my blood, I think. I’ve taken to calling him Audrey II. Totally freaks out my relatives.

In my ongoing project to make hip-hop music accessible to aging white folks, I give you the first verse of “Scenario,” originally by A Tribe Called Quest, as performed by Trent Lott:

Here we are, sir. Here we are sir. What is your current situation?
Here we are, sir. Here we are sir. What is your current situation?

While young Vincent may be aware of many things, he sadly ignorant, as he is incapable of rhyming.
Pay attention: I am about to do so in his stead, and, might I add, for free.
My time is valuable, however, as I need to earn money so that I might be able to feed my family.
My esteemed colleagues intimate that we are incapable of rhyming ourselves, but let them be reminded that they have underestimated us in the past, to their grief.

If you are tired, I can offer you a generic cold medicine, but you may miss information that you may find interesting:
I am extremely good-looking and have superb hair.
So that you might be made aware of my heritage, I will ejaculate upon you.
I am tired of and angry with your inability to accept my legitimacy on this stage!
Perhaps you should retreat to Mexico and partake of their spicy foods.
I will continue to perform here as needed.
So, please, have a seat, and enjoy our fine hospitality.
Worry not about what has been said today, and remain self-confident in all things.

John Mayer’s new CD, “Continuum,” came out about 3 weeks ago, so it goes without saying that I have been listening to it largely non-stop for approximately three weeks. I thought it might be a nice idea to give a quick review of the CD, but first, a couple disclaimers:

1. I am singularly unqualified as a judge of music. For example: I agree that “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder is not a very good song. It is harmonically depraved, and devoid of any real musicality or virtuosity. However, if it pops up on my XM radio, I will listen to it, possibly twice because my radio can record up to half an hour of tunes for later playback.
2. I am also pretty much absent of any emotional depth, so my grasp of lyrical ability is tenuous.
3. I have a pretty serious man-crush on John Mayer.

Nevertheless, you should totally trust my opinion that “Continuum” is the best album released this year, and possibly in my lifetime, and I include “Pyromania” by Def Leppard in that statement. A quick run through of the tracks, in order:

1. “Waiting On The World To Change”- Sure, it’s only been on the radio for 2 months and it’s already wildly overplayed, to the point that I actually have been skipping it when I listen through the CD. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s a cool retro tune with some kind of bell organ that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. Plus, I guess it explores what a lot of people my age are feeling about the state of the world, or something. This song is the first thing he’s released that is actually too high for me to sing. I was like, whaaaa?
2. “I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You)” – The first time I heard it, I thought the tweeters in my car stereo had stopped working. The introduction simply doesn’t contain any high frequency sound. It’s like they recorded under a blanket. Still awesome.
3. “Belief” – This is the only one that I’m sort of cold on; I don’t think 28-year-old singers should really spend a lot of time expostulating on world affairs. That’s what we have Jackson Browne for. I wanna hear songs that I can learn to play at a coffeehouse and have hot girls hit on me afterwards. Not that they ever would, because I have the stage presence of Crisco^TM, if that Crisco was in the shape of a guy with a lot of restraining orders against him.
4. “Gravity” – I do not know what this song is about, and I have it on two JM albums now. Still makes me bop my head.
5. “The Heart of Life” – Speaking of head-bopping: this song basically makes the CD for me. It couldn’t be simpler, really; undistorted electric guitar, light percussion, occasionally the bass player stops smoking and plays a note or three. After the guitar solo, the chorus comes back in with a cymbal roll, and I get a feeling in my pants that could best be described as “moist.”
6. “Vultures” – This song seems to be about John being sad about being famous and how people bug him. While I can feel his pain, perhaps he shouldn’t have sold so many albums. I usually sing along with this one and ignore the fact that it’s kind of a sad song.
7. “Stop This Train” – I read a review in which the critic didn’t like this song, and I wanted to kick him right in the pills. This is the best song on the CD, I think. Sure, it seems to take a while to get anywhere, but that just heightens the anticipation. This song would have made Hitler cry, if Hitler had spent all day smoking weed and listening to Rush albums.
8. “Slow Dancing In A Burning Room” – This is one of several songs on this disc that seem to indicate John was breaking up with a redhead. At one point in the song, he makes a guitar sound that makes me think of stabbing.
9. “Bold as Love” – Jimi Hendrix cover. Totally incomprehensible. Totally rad. The guitar solo in the middle may not be strictly anything Jimi would do, but it’s got a taste of Stevie Ray Vaughan, and the whole thing is constructed, musically, better than anything Jimi could manage. Part of that is because John’s backups, Pino Palladino (bass) and Steve Jordan (drums), are absolutely light years beyond Noel Redding and Mitch Mitchell (the rest of the Jimi Hendrix Experience) in every way. Also, John Mayer and Jimi have similarly-sized lips.
10. “Dreaming With A Broken Heart” – Dreaming about lost love. Example lyrics:

    Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
    And would you get them if I did?

    My heart skipped a bit at that. Seriously. I called 911 and everything.

11. “In Repair” – If there’s anything with which I can identify, it’s being broken. I’ve been miswired and faulty for years.
12. “I’m Gonna Find Another You” – Post-breakup song, which had the potential to be kinda creepy-stalkerish, but the melodies and harmonies take it in completely the opposite direction; it comes across as totally fun. Great way to end a CD.

Does it measure up to “Heavier Things” and, before that, “Room For Squares?” Absolutely. John changes his style so much from CD to CD that it’s like a different artist, and personally I think he could release a dozen more discs without ever once repeating anything.

If only he would answer my letters.