matthearn.com

Here comes a batch of the hottest links since St. Andrews Golf Course got buried under lava!!! (Note: St. Andrews Golf Course hasn’t been anywhere near lava since roughly 3,847,328,497 BCE.)

• Starting to wonder which presidential candidate is the one for you? Not certain how best to figure it out? Willing to make a choice based on their midichlorian concentrations? Here you effin’ go. This may be the most amusing thing to ever appear on craigslist, which is really saying something.
• You know how most online multi-player games require ridiculous investments in time? Even Tradewars, the best multi-player ASCII-text game, requires you to monitor your automatic port-pairing/robbing/planet colonization scripts for hours a day. Well, not Travian. So far I’ve set up my little village, and I just check it every day or so when my population has gotten me more resources, and I build more stuff. I haven’t gotten to interact with anyone yet, so it may require a bit more time, but I’d say I’ve had to actually PLAY the game for about 15 minutes in 2 days. Seems pretty rad, though.
• If you don’t read Overcompensating, you should. Do it. Do it.
• Are you ready to be terrified? ::shudder::. Remember: these people probably vote.
• This is simply going to make you feel warm all over.

Enjoy! Or don’t! Whatev!

Yeah, I was heck of up all hours of the night for work, so we’re going to do a link day. But before we get to that: have you ever listened to a song, divined what you believe the lyrics to be, and think wow, that’s amusing/cool/sublime/sexy/etc., only to find out later that the lyrics AREN’T what you thought, and what they really are isn’t as cool?

I’ve been rather suckered in by Timbaland recently, such that he can release a completely repetitive song entitled “The Way I Are” and I’m immediately listening to my head and singing along. At any rate, during the chorus, Timbaland sings something that sounded to me like:

I’m about to strip
And I’m well-equipped
Can you handle me the way I’m are

The “well-equipped” part always amused me, for some reason; I assumed he was alluding to the massiveness of his wang, which was about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting Keri Hilson. Imagine my dismay when I looked up the lyrics to try and figure out something that Keri sang, only to discover what he’s really saying is:

I’m about to strip
And I want it quick
Can you handle me the way I are

Which is less funny, doesn’t rhyme well, and is just disappointing from every perspective (except I guess from Timbaland’s, since I’m sure he’s raking in unbelievable dough off the single). I was very saddened by the whole thing. Anyway, if you’ve got any examples of similar lyric anomalies, let me know, I’ll be amused by them.

The linkz:

• Best. Headline. Ever.
• What in the heck is this? I am beyond confused.
• Now, THIS guy is really on the ball.
• I don’t know many Canadians, and yet from the ones I’m closest to, this isn’t even remotely surprising.
• And let’s close things down with a quote from Bill Simmons’s latest mailbag. This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on the internet:
  

  I want to go to the top of a really tall building, take a leak, finish, zip up, and then have my pee hit the ground. I want my entire pee to be airborne. Man I love beer.

  What more needs said?

Some late Friday links, because I just don’t have the energy left for extensive thought, and also ’cause there some shiznit y’all seriously need to see FOR REALS.

• This is simultaneously the grossest and awesomest thing I’ve ever seen. Jeff The Giant Orange Cat wreaks havoc! NOTE: if you are in any way squeamish and/or vegan, I would avoid clicking, as you may well puke on your keyboard.
• You may recall last week when I linked you to icanhascheezburger.com, the worlds most premieresty site for lolcats? I bring you: lolpresidents! (And for those of you who think this meme was old and busted 2 months ago, I say: suck it.)
• I can’t remember if I linked to this last week and I’m way too lazy to check, so peep this: Passive-Aggressive Notes. I would do this kind of crap myself if I wasn’t such a wuss.
• Are you a dork? Feeling like people are starting to think you might be turning cool, and want to blow them away with a project of such a dorky nature that they’ll stop bothering you and leave you to your “Magic: The Gathering” solitaire? Download these, print them out, cut, a little glue, and nobody will ever think of you as anything but a primo losoir! These, on the other hand, are the coolest thing since Sweet Baby Jesus invented glaciers.
• This is totally normal. Lord knows, I feel the same way about this fellow and we haven’t even MET yet.

o hai fren ha ha its link day lets all enjoy the links

• First off, link to my own stuff: Some photos I took at the Ychromes concert last Friday. Some are good; some are not so good. None are hilarious, but they’re at least mostly pretty.
• For those of you that love yourselves some lolcat (and if you don’t, you need to reevaluate your sense of humor, ’cause it is teh suxz), you need to visit I Can Has Cheezburger, the premier lolcat resource on the internets. My favorite: Snakecat has bited before!
• Your dad, your mom, and your cat. (I shouldn’t joke; apparently the “woman” was mostly eaten by a tiger this week. Still…your mom.)
• AAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
• Getting divorced? Let these folks help.
• Connected to the internets? Want to waste about 8 hours? Go here and browse through 70 years of newspaper photographs from the LA Times and LA Daily News. There’s lots of hippie beatings!

Woo!

Lots o’ little thangs:

• Some new photos over at CharlesHearn.com, check them out with great gusto.
• This Don Imus thing has gotten out of hand, for reals. At this point, listening to the racial opinions of a nearly 70-year-old white guy in a ridiculous hat makes about as much sense as listening to my great-grandfather expound upon the “Slavering Huns” (he was in The Great War, you see). Who cares? So an old man made a racist joke on the radio. There are worse things going on in our culture, trust me.
• Don’t tell my wife, but I have secretly acquired a copy of “MBL 2007: The Show,” on a recommendation from my buddy Kyle. I plan a full review next week, but here are a few thoughts:
  • I haven’t even tried anything but “Road To The Show” mode, in which you start as a young player in the minor leagues and work your way up to the bigs and see if you can make the Hall of Fame, and which may be the most addictive thing I’ve used since I got out of the methadone clinic. Apparently there are a variety of ways in this game to play it like a regular video baseball game, but I don’t have time for that because I’m living and dying with a 19 year old switch-hitting catcher who’s batting .265 for the Ottawa Lynx, a triple-A Phillies affiliate. I’ll give all the details of this mode in next week’s review, but I’d just like to leave you with my most recent game’s effort: 6/6, with 2 doubles, a home run, and 4 RBI, and would have gotten “Player of the Game” honors if the bullpen could have held an 8-3 lead.
  • I did play a game with Kyle over the weekend (before I bought my own copy) and I can report that the graphics are a little irksome; Chase Utley, for example, is so dark that Kyle and I referred to him by his full name, “Black Chase Utley,” every time he came to bet or fielded a grounder.

  So far the game gets a 10/10 out of ten for gameplay and a 100/10 for “unintentional hilarity.”

• Speaking of Kyle, he also lent me three books, which I may or may not also get around to reviewing:
  • Why My Wife Thinks I’m An Idiot, by Mike Greenberg. I never really listened to Mike and Mike on the radio, because sports radio is about as interesting to me as The World Beard Championships, so I didn’t know much about Greeny going in. The book was good, and hilarious, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he seemed like a bit of a dick. And I can’t explain why, exactly. He describes himself as a “metrosexual” and tends to go into great detail about the expensive clothes he wears; I also like expensive clothes, but every time he said something like “my Prada backpack,” I kept envisioning an overtanned 19 year old brunette sitting in the college cafeteria showing off her new Uggs to her Long Island hookers friends.
  • Fantasyland, by Sam Walton, which details his season playing in the toughest fantasy baseball league in the country. I haven’t finished it yet, but so far it’s been equal parts interesting, revealing, and hilarious.
  • Moneyball, by whoever it is that wrote Moneyball who I don’t feel like looking up. Okay fine, it’s Michael Lewis, you guilted me into it. I haven’t gotten to this one yet, so I’ll just relate a couple of other people’s blurbs:
    • Weekly Standard – May be the best book ever written on business.
    • Wall Street Journal – Another journalistic tour de force.
    • Hearnwife – Stop sitting on the toilet reading those $%#&ing books and come to bed.
• I may be setting a pointless record for “unordered list depth” for blog posts.
• And speaking of sports, just check this out; scroll down to the line for Robert Horry in the San Antonio box score.
• Everybody at Team Hearn is sick again. Charles is pretty good at bringing home germs; he, of course, is over them in all of a day, and we suffer for 2 weeks. I’m going to go to bed. Have a nice weekend, and avoid the clap.

Hi y’all…I was going to post something more substantive today, but I just don’t have it in me. My world is shattered.

Link day, y’all! HECK YES!

• I got a new haircut yesterday, and trust me, I definitely considered this. It was simply fear of my violent wife’s wrath that kept me looking my usual self.
• It’s new! It’s fast! It…is it frowning at me? That’s an interesting marketing ploy.
• I admit: in an effort to understand this comic, I looked up the Ackermann Function as well as whatever g₆₄ is. I think the brain overload gave me cancer.
• This reminded me of my Recording professor at Peabody, Alan Kefauver, who had a reputation for making dumb freshmen believe that if you held a piece of recording tape to your ear and ran your thumbnail on it at just the right speed, you would hear the recording stored thereupon. He didn’t try to pull it on me, which nice ’cause I’m an idiot and would probably have tried it, but now I can pretend I wouldn’t have fallen for it.
• The beauty of socialised medicine! (Spelt all Britishly ’cause the story’s all Britishy.)
• Speaking as a Fat American, this is hilarious.

That’s all I got! So…bye!