matthearn.com

The internet being what it is, my recent website alterations have led to a lot of spam comments. Even more than regular comments! This shouldn’t be surprising, since I have two readers.

So, I’ve added a plug-in that does some kind of magic involving hash strings and other crap I don’t understand, the end result being that humans should be able to leave comments, and spambots should not.

Here’s where I need you, my two readers, to help out: leave a comment on this post, if you would be so kind, so that I know that humans can still, you know, do so. Leave anything you want. “Hi, I’m a comment!” would be a good one, or “Ew, I found a pube in my taco.”

Your assistance is greatly appreciated. I will start the testing myself with an amusing comment.

You know what I need? Better hair products. I have acres, nay, bushels of various mousses, pastes, gels, and sprays, and not one of them really makes my hair do what I want it to do consistently. I’m sure many of you feel the same way, right? Right?

Back in the day, men used hair pomades, thick, greasy stuff made from pig lard and wombat tears. Look at this guy:

That’s Rudolph Valentino, heartthrob, actor, peritonitis victim, and all-around man-about-town. I’m not sure when that picture was taken, but it probably was in the early 20s (since he died in 1926). I guarantee he hadn’t had to comb his hair since he put in a fistful of Murray’s in it in 1914.

Why can’t I get that stuff? I want that slick, sleek look.

On second thought, Valentino was able pull of the sleek look because he was handsome; it’s in everyone’s best interests that as much of my hair be in front of my face as possible. So, uh, nevermind.

I’ve decided that my name should be a pejorative adjective. For example: Man, how clumsy do you have to be to cut your finger on a piece of fashion jewelry? You’d have to be Matt Hearn clumsy to do that.

(Indeed, I managed to cut my thumb on silver ring my wife bought me for our anniversary last year. You may be interested to know that the ring in question is not worn on my thumb. Nor is worn on the hand belonging to the thumb that was cut. Why yes, I do often have bruises and small cuts all over my body from walking into [walls|trees|fences|interior linebackers].)

Another good one: how dumb do you have to be to mow the lawn on a 90-degree afternoon? Man, you’d have to be Matt Hearn dumb. (Or perhaps Matt Hearn busy.)

It totally works.

• If you have a pair of dress pants with elastic in the waist, you probably have considered eating Cheetos for breakfast.


• If you have a bumper sticker that says “Pay no attention to my car, my treasure is stored in Heaven,” you probably believe in horoscopes.


• If you think Golden Corral is haute cuisine, you probably collect Mickey Mouse memorabilia.


• If your car’s rear windshield has a decal memorializing a dead relative, your career prospects probably top out at “Manager of Payless Shoes.” Also, one of your many children is probably going to spend some time in prison.


• If you watch TMZ, you probably think an omelet and a frittata are the same thing. In your defense, 98% of the people making “omelets” at supposedly high-class brunch buffets think the same.


• If you name your daughter Madysin, she is probably not going to be appointed a Federal Circuit Court Judge. There’s an outside chance, though, that she might be named to the cabinet of a particularly horrid U.S. President.


• If you once Didn’t Know You Were Pregnant, you probably shave your chin more frequently than the average person of your gender.


• If you are a huge Neil Sedaka fan, you probably buy all your brassieres at CostCo.


• If you are reading this, you are probably either a relative of mine, or have seen me take my pants off at a social event. Or both.

To be continued…

One of the side effects of the amoxicillin that’s clearing up Charles’s ear infections is that it tends to give him diahrrea, which if he doesn’t tell us about, sits in his diaper until we do a regularly scheduled change. This gives him devastating diaper rash, and is unfortunately a vicious cycle: because it hurts when we wipe him clean, he is resistant to diaper changes, which means he sits in feces that blister his taint until we finally have to hold him down and get it cleaned up.

As you can imagine, nothing about this is pleasant for anyone. It is how our week has been. Welcome to Friday!

Well, I tried to do this smoothly, and as you can see I was about as successful as the Bay of Pigs invasion.  (Too soon?)  Anyway, I’m converting the whole thing to a WordPress format.  I did it in a subdirectory with a copy of everything, and then moved the whole thing into place in the public directory and it was like I had taken a dump all over everything.  It didn’t work, um, at all.  So in short: I’m very nearly starting from scratch. Bear with me while I get everything working, and feel free to tell me if you spot anything that doesn’t work (broken links, for example).

As I said a few weeks ago, the plan is for more frequent, smaller updates, rather than the previous format of “once a week with something long but boring.” Word up.

Update, 2115EDT: I’m basically done. Got all my links up, posts are imported, Twitter is there. The old “quote” functionality, when installed, makes everything go to hell; I blame WordPress, or perhaps Linux, or something. I’m still not sold on the header image I made, it seems to completely describe me and yet also be ugly as hell. (What that indicates, I refuse to say.)

I’ll probably futz with it for a while, particularly if I can get my quote thing working, I would miss that.

This warms my heart every time I look at it:

But then, so does this:

What does that say about me?

Oh yeah. It’s heck of xmas, yo.

Some linx0rz! Woooot!

• I pray to the Sweet Good Lord Baby Jesus every day that something like this would happen. Can we get some Youtubeage of the “two-day shoot” in question?
• I wish this had been televised; I might actually have peed into my pantaloons.
• Here’s a healthy family for you. 7 kids; unmarried; no jobs! I love this country!
• Sometimes, just sometimes, things go right in the legal system. Maybe just in the UK, though.
• Uh…oops.
• And finally, for all of us that love pirates: the real scoop.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLES!!!