matthearn.com

I lost 6 pounds in one day! Of course, it was water-weight, whatever that is, so I still don’t fit properly into pants. Still, if you ever find yourself needing to lose 2% of your body mass in 24 hours, here is how you do it:

• 0630 – Wake up and step on the scale. Realize that you have become a small, lesser-fang’d walrus. Curse under your breath, and vow to fix the problem.


• 0800 – Eat your first “meal” of the day: a bagel with a small amount of butter. Fill your water bottle.


• 0900 – Fill your water bottle again. (I should probably point out that you must drink the water, not just pour it out before refilling it.)


• 1000 – Eat a banana. Look longingly at your boss’s bag of candy, but will yourself to merely fill your water bottle again, and maybe cry a little inside.


• 1130 – Go to the cafeteria for a salad; discover that they have “curry cauliflower,” which consists of, get ready for this: cauliflower with curry powder on it. Ice-cold. Purchase a pint of it and inhale it in under 45 seconds, along with a 20oz Diet Coke.


• 1200 – Go for an hour-long walk outside in the sweltering weather, get a sunburn, and saturate your clothing with disgusting sweat.


• 1300-1500 – Eat a large garden salad consisting of a crapload of vegetables, one egg, and a drizzle of olive oil and vinegar.


• 1500 – Eat a cheese stick. It’s the heaviest thing to hit your stomach in hours, and will feel like a moist brick.


• 1600 – Reward yourself with exactly 16 wheat thin crackers. It will be the worst reward since Keyser Soze thanked Dean Keaton for his help by shooting him in the face.


• 1700 – Leave work, pick up your offspring. He will demand that you go to “Red Robin.” Mutter a few lesser oaths.


• 1800 – Go to Red Robin. Get a California Chicken “Burger” with fries, totalling approximately 1400 calories. Eat half of the sandwich, and half the fries. Get really snippy because your stomach is digesting itself.


• 2100 – Eat the remainder of the sandwich and fries.


• 0000 – Go to bed, hungry as if you hadn’t eaten a thing all day. Do as many pushups as you can manage (11) to try and get your mind off of the debilitating lust for food. (Fail.)

That’s all you have to do! Warning: it really sucks.