matthearn.com

Hey look, the Phillies are up 3-1 in the World Series. I must have blacked out for a few weeks. Is it good opportunity to drink liveblog the action? Yes. Yes it is.

• 8:53 pm – We’re coming to you late, at the top of the 2nd, because I didn’t think of starting a liveblog until just now. And despite the STRIKE on the word “drink” above, I am going to spend most of the evening tossing back Pink Gins to keep my nerves under control. Alcohol and night baseball: it’s a winning combination!
• 8:55 pm – If you’re just joining us, Cole Hamels got through 3 quick outs in the top of the first, and the Phils scored 2 on a bunch of hits and walks (I wasn’t counting, sadly; what am I, ESPN?). And Cole just got two more quick outs. This is shaping up Nice.
• 9:00 pm – Because Joe Suck and Tim McMoron may be the worst commentary team in the history of professional sports (more on this later), I’ve got a radio set up tuned to 1210AM so I can listen to Scott, Larry, and Harry. I highly recommend, if you happen to be in the North DE/Southeast PA area, you do the same.
• 9:02 pm – My wife might be mad later. The DVR was supposed to record Heroes, but Dancing With Stars is also on, and my DVR can only see 2 things at once. Obviously I’m not changing the tuner showing the game. So I made an executive decision: she watches Dancing With Washed Up Stars every other day, it seems, but we haven’t watched any Heroes episodes yet this season. Easy choice.
• 9:04 pm – Coincidentally, Larry Anderson is talking about going on Dancing With The Stars. I would pay cash money to see this.
• 9:06 pm – Jayson Werth needs a nickname to justify his ridiculous facial and head hair. Since he looks like he could be a pornstar, I’m going with “Furburger.” Jayson “Furburger” Werth. Win, right?
• 9:07 pm – Bottom 2nd, 2 out, and the aforementioned Furburger singles.
• 9:10 pm – Dang. The rain is coming hard; I’m about 25 miles south of CBP, hopefully it’ll take a few hours to get really nasty at the game. I’m not holding my breath. And of course, tomorrow I have a recording session and won’t be home until close to 11.
• 9:12 pm – Nice, Harry’s back on. He’s a good luck charm, like a Leprechaun or midget.
• 9:16 pm – Cole is looking kinda en fuego. He’s only struck out 2 guys in 7 outs so far, but he looks like he’s just daring them to swing. And then they do, and ground weakly to short, or pop out, or just whiff at the change.
• 9:17 pm – And of course the instant I press “submit,” he gives up a base hit. Luckily he then immediately induces the next guy to ground out to second, so I repeat: EN FUEGO.
• 9:18 pm – Political side note: somebody at the McCain campaign has big freaking brass testicles to be running ads saying Obama represents big government. Did they miss the last 8 years? The government is currently bigger than yo mama! And she so fat SHE ATE THE IRS.
• 9:20 pm – Onto my second Pink Gin. What’s a Pink Gin? I’m glad you asked! Dash of bitters, then a bunch of gin. It ends up sort of a brownish red, and is mega spicy. Highly recommended.
• 9:22 pm – Milo asked an important question: can they call a WS game after 5 innings?
• 9:23 pm – Eek…Scott Kazmir seems to be getting a little en fuego as well. This is displeasing, since I fear the middle of the Rays lineup is due.
• 9:29 pm – EEEEEEK. Deep double off the wall by Pena, followed by an RBI single by Longoria that just scooted by Jimmy. 2-1 Phils.
• 9:31 pm – Whew. Double play to end the inning. Aight, good guys, let’s put some guys on and get ’em home.
• 9:33 pm – It’s heartening to hear AIGDirect.com commercials on the radio, since that’s my beleaguered employer and all. It’d be nice to be, um, not laid off.
• 9:35 pm – If, and this is a BIG IF, my favorite team were to someday in the staggeringly near future win a World Series, I am concerned that I would then spend several hundred dollars on Paraphernalia. For example, I really want a World Series hat with earflaps. I would wear that all winter long. And one of those warmup jackets would be nice; preferably the one that Jamie Moyer is currently wearing.
• 9:37 pm – Dang. Ruiz gets a nice base hit, and then Hamels gets him out on fielder’s choice, and along the way got hit on the pitching knuckles. (It also hit the bat, sadly, so it was a foul ball, not an HBP.) So to recap, 2 outs, pitcher’s at 2nd, and his pitching hand hurts.
• 9:40 pm – The rain at CBP seems to be really coming down. Luckily, the decision to halt play is up to Commissioner Bud Selig, I think, and Lord knows he won’t do anything until Fox tells him to, regardless of danger to players or fans. So play will continue.
• 9:43 pm – Why the hell didn’t I play baseball in my youth? I would have been a spectacular pitcher. Left-handed, strong as an ox, reasonably tall, and dumber than Tim McCarver. I’d be Ryan Madson! Dang non-athletic musician parents all not forcing me to play sports and screaming at me for my inadequacies.
• 9:45 pm – Cole Hamels has been running on 3-2, 2 out counts for the past two batters. He’s sprinted off the base like 8 times now, since Furburger keeps fouling off breaking balls. And now Fur gets the walk; let’s see if Utley can do something. Some coach I don’t recognize is out to dry up Kazmir’s tears and bring him a change of panties.
• 9:50 pm – Dang. Bases loaded, Chase grounds the 3-2 pitch straight to the shifted 2nd baseman. On the plus side, the Phils are still a lock for “WS winner with worst RISP average.”
• 9:53 pm – Oh good, Jimmy loses a popup in the rain and Baldelli gets to first base for free. STOP MAKING THIS INTERESTING, DAMMIT!
• 9:56 pm – And Chase “Messiah” Utley gets an awkward double play to clear the bases! 2 outs! And the rain is getting really, really messy. And a quick K ends the inning.
• 10:00 pm – Rain is gross, and getting grosser. And it’s what, 45 degrees? Holy hell, it must be MISERABLE at the game. This, to my mind, is proof that there is a God: He’s saying “You can have your championship, Philadelphia. Maybe. But you’re going to suffer for it. Oh yes, but you will suffer.”
• 10:07 pm – My bad; it’s actually 40 degrees. Ouch. Howard and Burrell both walked, with no outs in the 5th, so they’ve yanked Kazmir. Here’s how this should play out: the Phils have a huge inning and go up like 7-1, at which point the rain gets crazy and everybody agrees it might be a good idea to just call the game at this point. Which is when I freak out.
• 10:12 pm – The great thing about listening to the radio and muting the TV, is that during the long break to try and dry out the infield, they showed Buck and McDumbass chatting, and since I can’t hear them, I can make up dialog:

  Joe Buck – So hopefully we’ll be able to get this game in.
  Tim McCarver – Yes, because if you don’t play 9 innings, it’s not a complete baseball game.
  Buck – Ummm…yes.
  McC – Also, they should do all they can to keep the mound dry, because if it’s not dry, it’s rather wet.
  Buck – You might be retarded.
  McC – How come we don’t hang out? You should come over for BBQ! I make my own sauce!
  Buck – Really? What’s in it?
  McC – Joe Maddon’s sex juice.
  [crickets]

• 10:17 pm – After the pitching change, now the radio is like 5 seconds ahead of the TV, which is REALLY ANNOYING.
• 10:19 pm – Really? Again? 2 guys on base with no outs, and nobody scores? This is unbelievable. Excepting last night, the Phils are batting .002 with runners in scoring position.
  (Important note: I made that statistic up. But it’s not off by much, I’ll wager.)
• 10:24 pm – Third Pink Gin. Chris Wheeler Scott Franzke reports that a WS-clinching game has never been shortened by rain.
• 10:27 pm – Quick shot of Shane Victorino in center field with his hand in his pants. I guess he wanted to keep it warm, and wasn’t taking a mid-inning sex juice break.
• 10:30 pm – Hamels is making quick work of the top of the 6th; Ks Iwamura, and then Crawford grounds out to first. Keep it goin’, Cole.
• 10:31 pm – Dang, Upton dinks a 2-2 pitch to Rollins, who can’t get a handle on the wet ball. Upton at first for Pena, who is hitting altogether too well lately. And Upton has the look of a man who is going to try and steal 3rd from 1st on one pitch.
• 10:39 pm – This is regoddamndiculous. They didn’t call it for rain, and now the Rays have tied it up. So now what the hell happens? It’s now the middle of the 6th with a tie game! I predict they’ll stop play with a tie game after 6, and pick it up tomorrow, either here or in Tampa. Either way, it’s stupid. They had an official game after 5 innings and let the field turn into a swamp.
• 10:42 pm – Oh great, they’ve decided to delay the game. Which is a great idea, since the rain isn’t going to stop until 3am. It’ll be superb waking up tomorrow to find out if the Phils won. “Hey Daddy,” Charles will say to me in 2019, “did you see the Phillies win their last World Series before the team moved to Halifax, NS?” “No, son, the commissioner was a dumbass and decided to finish the game at 3am. So I was asleep.”
• 10:47 pm – Argh. They’re sending us to “local programming” while they try and wait out the rain. I’m going to to do the same; I intend to stay up as long as I possibly can, but no promises.
• 11:42 pm – Okay, they’ve suspended the game until at least tomorrow at 8pm (by which time I expect it to be snowing). Which is great, since I have a recording session scheduled until 10. Did I say that already? I AM PISSED TO THE POINT OF PERSONAL CONFLAGRATION. So I’m going to suspend the blogging until then as well. Hopefully I’ll be around tomorrow night when the Phrozen Phils win this one. If not, I’ll post something rude and angry about having missed it. See you then!