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So: my homey Shaun TC is in the cast of “In The Heights,” which you may or may not know is up for something like 11,304 Tony awards. (Okay, it’s just 13. Still.) You know what that means? Running diary. OH HECK YES. I should warn you; I was hard pressed to keep up with events, what with Whoopi being out of control and HearnWife constantly talking to me. So things are a little…”stream of consciousness.” Also I may have been drinking.

• The Lion King…meh. Meh? Yeah, meh. It was a great Disney Movie because James Earl Jones, Matthew Broderick, and Jeremy Irons were involved. As a musical with a bunch of no-names? Meh.
• Laurence Fishburne adds nothing but class. He’s like Sidney Poitier 2.0. Except where Mr. Poitier played Detective Virgil Tibbs, Laurence played Cowboy Curtis.
• Crybaby: The Musical? Really? Wow. The only redeeming thing about the movie was Johnny Depp, and I remember being sadly disappointed that he didn’t get shot. I have to say, the guy playing Crybaby would NOT enjoy prison. Because of all the RAPE. He would definitely be somebody’s TOTALLY SWEET GIRLFRIEND.
• Nice to see that the guy that played Will’s boyfriend on “Will and Grace” is still working as something other than an EMT or cop. I think he played a blue-collar public servant in 34 straight crappy TV dramas.
• The one guy that apparently missed a memo and showed up in white tie just made me think: why isn’t anybody wearing a white jacket? It’s after Memorial Day, right? I think everything that’s wrong with American can be traced to folks not owning and wearing formal wear when warranted and men not wearing hats.
• HOLY CRAP BISHOP BRENNAN FROM FATHER TED WON A TONY! Seriously, being one of maybe 3 Americans that recognized him has made my life worthwhile.
• Boo Counting Crows guy. Holy over-rated. (Sorry, all my friends that are huge Crows fans.)
• Who, uh, is Stew? And what is this “Passing Strange?” Because it’s, uh, not so great. The best I can say is that the one girl’s “English” accent made me laugh a little. Amsterdam seems to be involved. Does this makes sense if you’re high? Per…haps. HW: “This is stupid. Fast forward.” Done, and done.
• Nice! John Lithgow! Crap, he started talking, that ruined it. Oh good, he’s being ironic; that saved it. A little bit. Nice, the first Tony that In The Heights is up for! Boo, South Pacific’s guy won it. (Best Director.) Why does this guy sound like the creepy guy from “Back To You?”
• Jack Klugman? I thought he was dead! Oh, he just SOUNDS dead. Does he even have lungs? I think I saw a gill.
• Diesel, here comes “Gypsy.” I have heard incredible things, and plan to try and seduce a producer for tickets when I visit NYC later this week.
• Patti LuPone…uh…holy crap. Yeah, gonna try and see that, and soon, before she blows out a kidney singing that.
• Now that we’re on commercial, I can note the following: everyone talks about Patti LuPone’s acting and star power, but I gotta tell you, based on what she just sang, she is a simply fantastic musician. Diction, pitch, dynamics, all that. Spectacular.
• Hehehe Whoopi in “Phantom Of The Opera.” C’mon, go for the high note! Wow, I can’t believe they bothered to rebuild that set just for 15 seconds of gag.
• Hot. They’re going through the stuff they gave out before the telecast started, and “In The Heights” won for Best Choreography and Best Orchestrations! I can say firsthand: both those things were phatty phats. I have seen them. And then I walked and danced on the stage. People were impressed.
• Good to see Nathan Lane getting work. He’s so…shy.
• Wait, Duncan Sheik scored “Spring Awakening?” How about that. And here I thought he was a one-hit wonder. Here’s what I can say: he’s not even remotely funny. He just tossed a joke out that the audience wasn’t sure what to do with, because he had all the comedic timing of MY SCROTUM. (Actually that’s not true; my coin-purse is hilarious.)
• Nice!!! “In The Heights” just won for best lyrics, and the guy is rapping. Fantastic. He needs his hat, though. Nice! A shout-out for the hat AND Stephen Sondheim. The whole thing was actually kinda touching; normally you want a winner to act like I’d been there before, but his whole “holy crap this is unpossible” rap came across mad authentic. That’s right: he’s the Barack Obama of the Broadway Stage.
• South Pacific: Emile. Uh…that particular Emile wouldn’t have looked at Nellie Forbush twice. Or even once, because he would have been trying to have vicious animal sex with Lieutenant Cable. There’s nothing wrong with that, but next time let’s try and find someone a little more manly? The guy has a hot voice, though, I’ll give him that. (Update: later on he won best actor in a musical production, which is actually probably true because acting heterosexual was a SERIOUS stretch for him.)
• Did Nellie Forbush just smell a hat? I’m kinda thrown here. She sounds a little old. And the one girl in the flesh-colored bathing suit appears to be simply naked. Which is disappointing, compared to actual nudity.
• Whoopi just came onstage as Mary Poppins in the worst-disguised flying wires ever. Giggles all around.
• Kristen Chenoweth just made a “Defying Gravity” (a “Wicked” reference, if you were heretofore unware) joke that pained me. Then she stuck her hand in her armpit as if she thought that was a Polish Knee-Slapper. I’d assume she was high, but no, she’s just stupid.
• Barry Bostwick! I could not be more excited! He once played George Washington. Did you know that? I did. I bet you did not. He’s introducing “Grease,” which means I hate him! Hate him. I hate “Grease.” Have I mentioned that? Yeah. You know how you hate racism, or terrorism, or Hitler? I hate “Grease.” Watching this may well give me a stroke. Even worse, they’re doing a number that was NOT IN THE ORIGINAL SHOW. IT CAME FROM THE MOVIE. CAN YOU BE ANY MORE CRAPPY. I say no.
• I hate Grease so much.
• One of the Grease actors appears to have POLISHED THE ASS OF HIS JEANS. Hate.
• Dang! The “Gypsy” guy beat out the “In The Heights” guy for “Featured Actor.” Now I have to see “Gypsy” ’cause the “In The Heights” dude SLAYED. Gotta love the Gypsy guy for bringing back the Hitler moustachio, though.
• Marisa Tomei came out to introduce something with what could best be described as a “natural” look, and said: “One of the wonders of theater is that it is a shared experience.” HW: “Yeah…makeup can be a shared experience too.”
• Oh good. Disney didn’t irritate me enough with “The Lion King,” they had to do a “Little Mermaid” show too. It’s sad that there so many starving actors that they can staff these ABOMINATIONS. HW: “I thought [Ariel] was scary. And boring.” Yeah, even the red hair couldn’t save her.
• “A Catered Affair:” I don’t know Kate Prince, but I can say that she hit a loud note of some kind and my left ear started bleeding. Bad times.
• Megan Mullaly! I’ve always been fond of her. Heheheh…she made a penis-related joke. “Deep Love.” I like. HW is not as much a fan, ’cause she hasn’t seen “Young Frankenstein” (the movie), which is sad for her.
• Whoopi’s introducing a bunch of sets from plays I didn’t see…makes it kinda hard to keep up. Luckily, as it turns out, she’s funny! Has no eyebrows, though.
• David Morse! YES! I love him. Dunno why, just do. ACCEPT IT.
• There’s a play of “The Thirty Nine Steps?” Somehow I missed that. Looks…freaky. Exciting. I’m excited.
• I feel similarly about Gabriel Byrne as I do about David Morse, except FAR more overtly sexually.
• Hee..the chick that won for best Director of a Play has a tattoo that she deeply regrets. I think it was something commemorating “Where Eagles Dare.” Somewhere, Richard Burton is DRINKING HEAVILY.
• Mary Louise Parker is hot, but she’s either stoned, or that glittery black thing on the side of her head is a REALLY BORING alien that has rooted into her brain and taken it over. Because she’s about as lively as the chunks of hair and flesh stuck to my wife’s leg-razor.
• Is it just me, or is it totally awesome refer to The Scottish Play as “The Scottish Play” even when they aren’t involved in a production thereof? Fantastic.
• Mark Rylance of “Boeing-Boeing” SLAYED me. Sarah found him boring. This resulted in an argument. Yay marriage!
• Lin-Manuel is up ons! GO TC GO GO TC Yes. That show is ridiculous. Compared to all the other stuff, I don’t see how it could miss on a big win, even up against Gypsy.
• Wow. “South Pacific” is tearing it up, which is kind of a pity, because that show is SO 1946. Right? I mean, what could it really bring to the table? Wow, racism against Indonesian natives! That really speaks to me! (No, it doesn’t.)
• I like the guy presenting with Harry Potter. He’s quick. ON THE BALL, if you would believe it.
• Whoa! Look at Mandy Patinkin’s face! That beard is…nautical.
• I gotta say; Sondheim. Certainly interesting. But doesn’t do much of anything for me, to be honest. It seems like he sacrificed melody for a feeling of “Hey! Listen to how weird this is! I would like another Tony!” People are willing to let this slide, for some reason. Me? Nay.
• HW on Glenn Close: “Severe.” Uh…yeah. She looks like she’s been sharpened.
• Lily Tomlin’s not dead? Wow!
• Can’t say I’m excited about “Xanadu,” since the movie was, at best, homicidal. (Everybody that watched it died of suck.) Oh good, rollerskates. I…uh…am fast-forwarding past this horrific crap. Uh…why did that guy walk up from the audience? And now there’s a pegasus dropping from the season? I need a grenade. Was that supposed to be ironic? That was bad.
• Oh, that’s Anthony Rapp? I just remember him from “Road Trip.” I don’t hate Rent as much as I hate Grease, but it’s reasonably close. Take it from me: if you want to see Rent, just go get tickets to La Boheme at the Met. Or even at a local regional opera company. It’s just like Rent, except not stupid. Though, I gotta say; the 525,600 minutes song is catchy. Hellacatchy. Not “Quando m’en vo” catchy, but clearly good enough to hoodwink thousands of Musical Theater fans. Seriously, if you’re willing to drop $60 to see Rent but won’t drop the same amount to see opera att the Met, you’re basically saying “I want to seem like I enjoy culture without actually having to expose myself to it.” You probably also like Jack Johnson, who I’d like to see reenact the rock-crusher scene in “The Temple Of Doom.”
• “Liza Minelli” and “Short Skirt” are not phrases that should EVER go together. She is definitely turning into her mother as she gets older; Judy had the good sense to die young, though. HW: “Is her bra supposed to be hanging out like that?” Yeah…I think that was intentional. In a related story, I just threw up on my socks.
• Wow, the chick from Xanadu is BEAT. She needs less teeth and more lips. I kept wondering if a second mouth was going to come out, all Alien-style.
• Go Patti LuPone! HW: “Yeah, like nobody knew that was coming. Certainly wasn’t gonna be that Xanadu b****.” Don’t let anybody tell you HW isn’t profound.
• Best Musical to “In The Heights!” Hell yeah! Fantastic. If “Xanadu” had won I might have torched something. I’d just like to poit out that I saw the show that wont the 2008 Tony Award for Best Musical before it actually opened because of my connections.

A successful night! “In The Heights” pulled down Best Choreography, Best Orchestration, Best Original Score, and Best Musical. Mad shout-outs to Shaun and his castmates for being AWESOME.