Things have been insane this week, so I haven’t had time to comment on the fact that, um, I’m old now. So I’ll do that now. The big 3-0. Three Zero. MattHearnIsFreakingOld.com. Some of you who are already in your mid-30s are saying, “Old? OLD? Screw you, you youngling!” To which I respond: let me have a moment of glory. I don’t get many, other than when Sarah changes Charles’s diaper and he takes a moment to point to his penis, yell “WANG!”, and giggle; that’s as glorious for me as it is mortifying for Sarah.
Anyway, in short, I turned 30 on Monday. I was hoping to have a leisurely day, but of course something broke, so it was just a big ball of stress in my stomach all day. NOT the way I wanted to start my fourth decade, for real reals. We did at least get to go out to dinner, at Walter’s, where I drank a sizable amount of alcohol, had a steak that weighed about the same as Charles, and enjoyed a raw bar that feature oysters and clams with flavors that could best be described as “hauntingly pungent.” Tuesday was no less stressful, and yesterday things began to ease up but I had 4 hours of rehearsals last night. So today is the first opportunity I’ve had to sit back and contemplate my ever-increasing age. I’ve come to some conclusions:
- I am now definitely at the age where it is basically impossible for me to ever get a shot at trying out for left field for the Phillies. Sure, Chris Coste didn’t make it to the majors until he was 33, but he had spent something like 12 years toiling in the minors to get his shot. I’m, um, not doing that. Also he has actual baseball talent, and I couldn’t hit a major league fastball with a piece of 1×12 white pine.
- I’m probably at the age where, despite taking piano lessons and practicing regularly, I am unlikely to become a concert pianist. I’m also nearing the age where it is unlikely I’ll be good enough to even accompany a bad church choir.
- I’m nearing the age where people will start calling me sir instead of “Hey jerk.” This is good and bad, I guess.
So tell me, fellow 30-somethings, what’s the best part about hidding pre-pre-middle-age? Other than I think I can run for the US Senate now?
Now, you need a little girl and does the same gesture and yells “WONG!”. Trust me, it’s handy for her later in life.
Oh, and yes, it’s downhill from here.