Woooooooooooooooo baseball! Spring training is winding down, and we are rapidly nearing opening day, which is Sunday, or Saturday, or something. I can’t keep track any more. Time was, I could just check the Reds schedule, but then the Yankees started having opening day games in Japan in like mid-March and then playing some more spring training afterwards, and I think the Red Sox and Phils are playing one last grapefruit league game at CB Park on Saturday, and God knows what else.
Anyway, I feel good about this season, despite the fact that the Phillies webpage currently features a story entitled “Phillies’ bullpen issues are top concern,” which is doubly frustrating ’cause it seems like bullpen issues have been the top concern for, oh, 10 seasons running. So far the most notable thing to happen to the Phils pitching situation is that the guy who was their #1 starter (but who is now in the bullpen?!?) bought a truck that cost more than my effing house.
Why do I feel good? Let’s go over the short list:
- Ryan Howard, the reigning NL MVP. He reminds me of me, if I was 2 inches taller, 20 pounds heavier, 5 times stronger, and, uh, black. And if we’re super lucky, pitchers might actually throw him strikes! This all depends on how Pat Burrell does, of course, since if he keeps pulling his “completely unable to hit the ball with anybody on base” routine, Ryan’s OPS will be .900, .700 of which will be OBP. (That’s lamer-baseball-speak for “he’s going to get walked a ridiculous amount.”)
- Chase Utley, who is entering the season hoping to three-peat as “Phillie For Whom Matt Hearn Would Be Most Likely To Go Gay,” and who has a good chance to get stranded at 2nd base 120+ times this year when Howard gets walked and Burrell strikes out. Plus he’s got killer hustle playing 2nd, so undoubtedly he’ll get taken out by Barry Bonds on a routine double play, tear 74 knee ligaments, and cause me to emit “The Scream Of Having 666 Ravenous Demons Eat My Wang.” But I’m gonna stay positive!!!
- Shane Victorino, who is the fastest Hawaiian I’ve ever seen. He needs a little more experience on the basepaths (he gets thrown out stealing FAR too much for somebody who can outrun my car), but I still giggle when he takes off. I NEED MORE GIGGLING.
- Cole Hamels, who gives me a terrifying Mark Prior vibe (unbelievable talent derailed for months at a time by being depressingly flimsy), but who has basically cornered the market on Upside. The boy can throw, really really really hard. I love him a little bit.
Now, the things that scare me:
- Pat Burrell, who needs to be traded to a team he can periodically DH for so he doesn’t have to play left field, since he runs like Billy Martin after a bender. It’d also be nice if he could bat, say, 6th, and take some of the pressure off, since right now he’s not exactly protecting Ryan Howard as much as inviting other teams to throw directly at his eyeballs.
- The entire pitching staff aside from Cole Hamels, which is about as reliable as Billy Martin’s wang after a bender. I’m predicting the Phils will need to average about 9 runs a game to get enough wins to take the East. That would be a rather staggering offensive display.
- Manager Charlie Manuel, who seems about as effective sober as Billy Martin dead. I think his flaws will be exposed even more as we get to the end of the season and find the Phils in a situation where they need to win 4 of the last 6 to clinch the wildcard and the bullpen is BEYOND wiped out.
Nevertheless, I am stoked for opening day on Sunday and wish I could go to the game to throw batteries at Chipper Jones. And if that seems like a crappy way to end a post, remember that it’s 6pm on the Friday before the start of the season and I need to get this posted with a quickness.
