matthearn.com

I’m sick. My whole head feels like this word: nxxnfzzznzfnznxzcvxz. It is Not Pleasant. Still, when people send me silly internet surveys, I feel required to respond online, even when I’m taking high-powered drugs that are making everything have smoke trails when I move my head. Also I can’t spel so gud.

1. FIRST NAME: Matt.
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? If I recall correctly, my mother was born on the Feast of Saint Matthew. Patron saint of bankers! Wooo.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I get a little choked up watching “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” sometimes.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Ha! Ha ha! No. Here is an example of my handwriting:
   
   Roughly translated, that reads “It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. – Abraham Lincoln” Or something. Don’t ask me. I’m high on DayQuil^TM.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH EAT? Lunch Eat? Who wrote this, Tarzan? Assuming it meant “Lunch Meat,” I’m gonna go with turkey. Assuming it meant literally “what do you like to eat for lunch,” well, anything really. Same things I like to eat for dinner and breakfast and evening snack; I’ll eat anything at pretty much any hour of the day.
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, Charles. He is rad.
7. If YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably. I don’t return calls, but I like to buy booze for people.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Sort of; this is about it.
9. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Unless my wife removed them in one of her late-night-while-I’m-asleep carving sessions, yes.
10. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure, if the bungees were sufficiently strong.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on how tired I am. Usually not, unless I can’t get them off any other way.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, yes. Mentally, no. Emotionally…let’s not talk about it, I might get choked up. I hate you.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. With chocolate syrup.
14. SHOE SIZE? 12EE. If I can’t find the super wide stuff I’ve been known to buy up to a 14.
15. RED OR PINK? Red, methinks.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My complete and utter lack of self-discipline, willpower, and work ethic.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I’ve been blessed in that I really haven’t lost anybody yet. All of my close blood relatives are still around, with the exception of my sister Amelia, who I really only knew for about a year when I was 5. For better or worse, I don’t really remember her.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I don’t usually send these out via email, although I fully support people cutting and pasting the questions into their own blogs and posting links in the comments here so I can go comment THEIR responses with great ridicule and ass-ness.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Khaki and brown.
20. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A MASSIVE chef’s salad from the cafeteria here at work. Seriously, it was the heaviest salad ever. It’s sitting in my stomach like a fat man on a hooker’s chest.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Other people’s high-volume phone conversations and the tippity-tappity of my own fingers.
22. FAVORITE SMELL? Roast beast.
23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Bill Owen, oddly enough.
24. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? Physical appearance. What can I say? I am the shallowest person you will ever meet.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes. (‘Twas my brother-in-law.)
26. FAVORITE DRINK? Non-alcoholic: Diet Sunkist. Alcoholic: yes.
27. HAIR COLOR? Dirty blond, with totally soxy highlights.
28. EYE COLOR? Blue.
29. YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope. Me gots grood vision! Which I am currently probably destroying by staring at computer screens all day from a distance of a few feet.
30. FAVORITE FOOD: Whatever happens to be within the immense gravity of the black hole that is my gaping maw.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings. Heh. (That’s funny ’cause it’s a sexual euphemism, like the “Donkey Punch” or “Doenitz’s Meniscus.”)
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? We watched “Waiting for Guffman” at the beach a few weeks ago…I don’t think I’ve watched anything since. I did catch part of “Guys and Dolls” yesterday and taped the rest for later perusal.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue sweater.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Hm. That’s a toughie. I like chilly weather, but I have to put up with HW complaining about being cold. I’m gonna go with winter anyway.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? I don’t like stuff that’s cloyingly sweet; fruit pies are a fave, and simple cookies. Also, whipped cream licked off the skin of a stewardess.
37. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND THE QUICKEST? Not sure. Rachel, maybe; she’s new enough to the web that things like this might still have some appeal.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I’m gonna say one of the Aboriginal guys that lives somewhere out in Western Australia and has no idea what a computer is.
39. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I need some new ones. Right now I’m recycling a book on alternate histories, and leafing through an old collection of Dave Barry columns here at work.
40. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? To my left: some kind of hemispheric grid thing on a pad shaped like a human head from “Medilect Intelligent Decision Support.” No idea where I got it. To my right (I have two compies at my desk), a Dilbert mouse pad.
41. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Things frying.
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, for a couple tracks, then I’m going to put on something that’s less Important and more Pleasant.
43. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? I’m not sure if Austria or Norway is technically further. Austria is a bit east, but Norway is a good bit further north.
44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can play the nose harp just like I’m ringing a bell.
45. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Upper Darby, PA, 01/21/1978.
46. FAVORITE TV SHOW? Who knows? You people know I am remarkably fickle. Scrubs, House, Doctor Who…apparently I like doctors.

That is all there is. Go back to your life, loser!