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My homeskillet Craig normally doesn’t send these around, of course, but this was so awesome he just HAD to. Which means, DUH, that I had to post my reply online, because this is one of the few things I do in which I’m actually semi-funny.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
About 7:35, when I reached over to hit the snooze button for the 6th time (my alarm clock, unlike any other made by man or beast, has a 7-minute snooze instead of a 9-minute one) and knocked a glass off my bedside table, which shattered on the floor. The morning started out AWESOME.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
That’s a toughie: with Diamonds, you know you’re getting something that was dug out of the ground by African slaves; with Pearls, you know you’re getting something that was forcibly torn from the shell of a screaming mollusk. Diamonds are usually more valuable, of course, and are Forever. I’m gonna go Diamonds, I think.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I broke my almost 6-year theater boycott to go see “Failure to Launch” with Hearnwife. This is a lot like saying “I broke the Montgomery Bus Boycott because I needed to get to a sale at Ed’s Bait and Tackle.”

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Ooh, that’s a toughie. There are so many! Scrubs, The Simpsons, 24, Good Eats…right now I’m gonna have to go with Scrubs, because every single time I tune into that show I become happy. THE SCRIZZLE…yeah, boo, that’s my doggle.

5. What did you have for breakfast?

6 eggs and a Diet Pepsi. Let’s sing The Cholesterol-Sodium Blues!

I woke up this mo’nin’
Had six eggs, dat’s de troof
Washed ’em down wit’ a soda
Now my blood pressure’s through da roof
Oh I got da blues
Sweet Lord Almighty, I got da blues
I’m gone have a heart attack and diiiiiie
But I’ve lost 30 pounds so I’ll leave a pretty corpse, oh YEAH

6. What is your middle name?
“The Balls.”

7. What is your favorite meal?
Hm. That’s a toughie. I eat almost everything, with some minor exceptions, and I get random cravings for just about everything. When in doubt, I’ll usually make myself a steak, but really, I could eat roast duck at almost every meal. Mmmm…make my quacker medium rare, baby, with extra crispy fat chunks.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Don’t much dig on nuts; that’s about it. Even with nuts, if they’re already in the brownie, I probably won’t pick ’em out, although I used to.

9. What is your favorite Potato chip?
Grandma Utz’s. No question. Ever since the sad demise of King’s and the relative unavailability of Stehman’s (who may also have gone out of business, I’m not sure), Grandma Utz’s are the way to go. Potatoes, lard, and salt. That’s all I need. I have a bag of them at home, unopened, that has been calling my name for weeks, but I need a special occasion to get up ins those bad boys.

10. What is your favorite CD?
Lordy, who knows. This is like asking about my favorite fried chicken joint. So many are so good, that it’s hard to choose. I’ve been listening to the same Joey Eppard CD, “Been To The Future,” for a while. Honestly, though, I’ve mainly been listening to one track on it (“Balloon”) over and over, trying to figure out how a guitar with 6-strings can have that many harmonics.

11. What’s your favorite word?
“Malfeasance.”

12. What characteristics do you despise?
People who simply have no understanding of the concept of “not getting in other people’s way.” This can include people who park their carts at the grocery store such that nobody can get by; this can include people who sit in the left lane of the highway so no one can pass. Makes me go batty.

13. What’s your favorite movie?
Who knows. I quote “Anchorman” and “Napoleon Dynamite” quite extensively. Also on the list: “Bull Durham,” although it’s not as quotable.

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you
go?
I’d like to go back to England. There’s a metric butt-ton of stuff I’d like to see there; I got a taste back in 2003 and have been hoping for a return trip ever since.

15. What color is your bathroom?
We haven’t really done anything with either of them. Basically cream-colored with wooden cabinets and mirrors. The upstairs will probably get a ladybug theme if I ever get around to painting it on.

16. Favorite brand of clothing?
Probably Old Navy, although mostly just for pants. Last time I went I got two really awesome pairs of jeans, although unfortunately I was kind of between sizes at the time, so I bought the larger size, and then they stretched. So now I have two awesome pairs of jeans that bunch up in the back when I cinch my belt. I wanna go back for the next smaller size, but Sarah keeps dissuading me. She’s hateful like that.

17. Where would you want to retire to?
Actually, I’d like to continue to live around here, where my friends and family are, while maintaining flats in New York and London and traveling frequently to remote locations. Clearly I need to figure out a way to acquire extreme wealth.

18. Favorite time of day?
The afternoon. I can look forward to hours of daylight, get things done in the yard, have time for a cheap cigar and a beer in the backyard.

19. Where were you born?
I was born in 2074, the first child born in the newer dark-side moon colony. It’s cold there. Wait…no, that’s not true. I was born in Upper Darby. It was cold, though. There was a blizzard.

20. Favorite sport to watch?
Right now? Baseball. It changes biennially, though; back in the late 90s it was NASCAR, for most of this millenium it’s been football.

21. Who do you least expect to send this back?
This is SO not a valid question, since I haven’t sent it to anyone. I’m going to have to say James Lileks won’t send it back, because he’ll have no idea that I posted it.

22. Person you expect to send it back first?
I expect my father to post the first comment pointing out a spelling error, that’s probably the next best thing.

23. What type of detergent do you use?
We are a Tide family.

24. Coke or Pepsi?
Diet Sunkist. I go through a 12-pack every 2 days.

25. Are you a morning person or night owl?

I wish I was a morning person, but the truth is I have a hard time falling asleep and an even harder time waking up. So I end up staying up late and getting up late. This would make me a night owl. That is all.

26. What size shoe do you wear?
It varies widely (haha! a pun!) by manufacturer, because the width of my feet is rather extreme. If they have a EEE or EEEE, like New Balance, I can wear a 12. If they do not, and I’m trying to force my toes into a C-width, I’ve been known to buy a 14. Fitting clothes to my body is a losing battle; I have a huge butt and big thighs, wide feet, and the largest head in Christendom (size 8).

27. Do you have pets?
Four increasingly annoying cats: Pete, Poly, JD, and Veronicat, aka The Cheat.

28. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with everyone?
Gimme a few days.

29. What did you want to be when you were little?
Dame Judy Dench.

30. Favorite Candy Bar?
Three Musketeers. Chocolate and nougat, how can you go wrong? Man, I want one of those.

31. What is your best childhood memory?
What is with this list? How can I pick one thing out of 12+ years of highly enjoyable things? Probably any one of a dozen Christmases. Let’s make with teh non-suxx0rz questions, list.

32. Nicknames?
That’s better. I’ve been called many things: Waffu, That Leviathan, The Hearn, Oliver “Junk” Bonds, “He Who Dare Not Be Named,” J. Crispin Featherworth IV. I’m hoping that at some point in the next week to acquire a new one: “Daddy.”

33. Piercings?
No; I’d prefer not to be blamed for the premature demise of my grandparents and in-laws. I think my father-in-law is already getting concerned about the length of my hair.

34. Eye color?
Azure.

35. Ever been to Africa?
I have never blessed the rains down in Africa.

36. Ever been toilet papering?
Yes, many times. Marching Band tradition. Shut up, I know I’m a dork.

37. Love someone so much it made you cry?
Every single day.

38. Been in a car accident?
Yeah, it’s getting to the point where giving me the keys to a car is like giving a nonagenarian…well, the keys to a car.

39. Croutons or bacon bits?
Bacon bits all the way, man. Croutons have their place. That place is a trash bin.

40. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday, obviously. I’d say Friday, but I have to go to work. Any day I have to work is a bad day.

41. Favorite restaurant?
Probably the Corner Bistro up in Wilmington. Totally awesome.

42. Favorite flower?
Bright-ass red geraniums.

43. Favorite ice cream?
Anything, with about 2 cups of Hershey’s syrup on top.

44. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Warner Brothers, no doubt, with Hanna Barbera taking second place. Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, and Daffy Duck vs. Mickey, Minnie, and Pluto? No contest, man.

45. Favorite fast food restaurant?
McD’s. Can’t argue with the $1 double cheeseburger, doggle.

46. What color is your bedroom carpet?
I despise wall-to-wall carpeting, so we pulled it up to reveal nice hardwood underneath.

47. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
Zero, surprise surprise. Although in DE you don’t really have to take a regular test; if you take driver’s ed through the public school system (which everyone does), you get judged on performance through the week of on-the-road driving, and unless you are completely retarded you get your “license” after that. (License in quotes because it’s basically a learner’s permit that automatically upgrades after two months; you can’t drive without a parent or at night, no non-family members allowed in the car with you, all that good stuff. Now they’re talking about limiting teen drivers even more, which sounds like a great idea that’s going to reduce teen driver accidents by like .05% in Delaware while forcing more parents to drive their kids around. And yet it’s still technically legal (as far as I can tell) in this state to drive in the left lane without passing anybody. I love this place.)

48. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email?
My father-in-law. He sent me a funny joke about a redneck that went to Paris to purchase furniture. It’s rather lengthy, so I won’t duplicate it here, but rest assured, it wasn’t up to Charles’ normal standards.

49. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Target. No doubt. I may end up outfitting an entire room in cheap-ass Target furniture, not because I can’t afford anything better, but because I just LIKE it.

50. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Get impatient and start wandering around aimlessly. Really goes over well in staff meetings.

51. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
No one really. I’m not gonna lie, most of these questions are boring and trite. I wanna see questions like “if you had to have sex with a midget, what gender of midget would you pick?” and “What if Elvis came back to life and recorded a cover of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’ wouldn’t that be weird?”

52. Last person you went to dinner with?A large group of college friends and extended family. We went to Kahunaville, which was surprisingly good, although, like most restaurants, understaffed.

53. Ford or Chevy?
I have no congenitally implanted preference, although my mother-in-law’s father sold Fords for like 8,000 years, and I bought a Ford truck a number of years ago. Never owned a Chevy, other than the Caprice Classic that Stefan gave me after it died so I could take it apart.

54. What are you listening to right now?
My coworkers arguing. I need a radio or something.

55. How many tattoos do you have?
I plead the fifth.

56. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg. The first chicken HAD to come from an egg, but the first egg did not necessarily have to come from a chicken; the first chicken-producing egg was a genetic mutation of something that was a non-chicken.

57. How many people are you sending this to?
I guess it depends how many people read this. 10 or so, probably.

58. Time you finished this e-mail?
12:38pm.

And there you have it! Sorry that this particular batch of questions was so crappy. Let’s come up with our own questions. In the comments on this page, leave your suggestions, such as the ones listed above, or even crazier ones like “If you woke up one morning and discovered that you had miraculously switched gender, what would you do first? Call the doctor? Test out the apparatus, if you Catch My Drift?”