matthearn.com

I’ve lifted weights twice in the last 5 days, and here is what I can report on the subject: I don’t really care for it. You know? It frickin’ hurts, is why. I begin to see why people do steroids and HGH; I’m going to be crippled for days.

Hey, wait a second. What are the symptoms of steroid use?

• Macrocephaly (large head): already got that. My head’s a size 8+. (The plus means my head is probably bigger than an 8, but I’ve never found a hat larger than size 8 to test this theory. I just wear an 8, if I can find it, and live with the headache.)


• Shrunken testicles: Mine appear to be normal, but their functionality is highly suspect.


• Back acne: I have zits in a variety of disgusting places. (Something I’m sure you’re excited to know.) Check.


• ‘Roid rage: as the closet door in my basement can attest, I am capable of staggering fits of anger when I get frustrating.


• Sudden massive, rippling muscles: not yet.

If I’ve got all the symptoms, why don’t I just start doing the drugs? Get me Victor Conte, stat!

On a more positive note, I do enjoy the first few hours after lifting, when each of my biceps muscles are the size of a Prius. So I’ve got that going for me.