Those of you that know us know how much we despise moronic drivers, which seem to comprise about 90% of those on the road today. We thought the best thing to do to combat this growing problem was to compile a list of the various types of idiots driving around so those of us that aren't morons will know best how to deal with them. Also, this list serves as a nice warning; if you find yourself on it, you will be able to rectify yourself, unless you have the intelligence of moss. Therefore, what with the growth of the internet age, I think it fair to assume that this page will have been read by every driver in the US by late November, and I'll give you all a month after that to fix your problems. After that, I will consider it my personal mission to kill you.

Also: See my "Rules of the Road" section. Very informative.

Name: The Elderly
Symptoms: Large cars, often dating from the late seventies; inability to accelerate
Pros: Easily intimidated, and highly predictable. They can always be counted on to come off red lights and stop signs like molasses, so you can find an easy place to pass them, and if you find you have to cut them off, they'll always hit the brakes and let you go.
Cons: They seem to think that as slow as they drive, nobody else really drives any faster. So they're guaranteed to misjudge how much time they have to turn in front of you and they cut you off every time. Added to that is the fun bonus that they often can't see you, expecially when it gets moderately dark, or hear you honk when they start to change lanes into your quarter panel. They'll have turn signals on constantly for miles whether they're turning, planning to turn, not planning to turn, or have never and will never turn. Also, if you can't pass 'em, they'll drive you crazy.
Best Defense: Get away from 'em if you can, which isn't hard once you get around 'em. Also, it's best to assume that they can't see or hear anything and will almost certainly cut you off.

Name: The Soccer Mom
Symptoms: Often driving station wagons, minivans, or Volvos of any type, filled with kids like a Mexican Impala.
Pros: There really aren't any pros.
Cons: With so many kids in the car, Soccer Mom is constantly having to pay far more attention them than the road; wiping mouths, blowing noses, calling one on the cell phone to let them know where she is. They only have one hand available for driving, so they have the OPPOSITE turn signal problem from the elderly: they just don't use them. This also may be because they have to make a sudden turn and are too busy locking up the brakes to make that turn into the shopping center. Most annoying however is that if you try to get around them and they decide they don't want to be passed, the little V6s and V8s they put into SUVs and minivans these days spin up nicely and suddenly Soccer Mom is zipping along next to you, refusing to let you get by. That's when you have to ram her.
Best Defense: Grenades. Don't feel guilty, just blow her up.
Name: The Frightened
Symptoms: Usually driving a small car; look of abject terror on face.
Pros: Like the elderly, easily intimidated. You could beat them from a red light if you were in a Yugo and they were in a funny car.
Cons: They won't leave from a stop sign or turn left on a solid green until there isn't any traffic to be sign for half a mile in any direction. If you honk at them, they'll just get more terrified and quite possibly have a coronary in front of you, and then you'll NEVER get home. When they do finally go, they've probably still misjudged how much time they have and they probably cut off somebody.
Best Defense: They will almost ALWAYS yield the road to you, so just be a little aggressive. The nice ones, you'll find, may even get out of the way for you because they know they're holding you up.
Name: The Pseudo-Speeder
Symptoms: Usually middle-aged folks in nice cars and SUVs.
Pros: None.
Cons: They like to drive faster than the speed limit, and to make sure they don't get pulled over they drive at exactly the same speed as a car in the adjacent lane, making it impossible for you to get around, and they're usually only "speeding" at 5 mph over the legal limit, so normal humans wanting to do 60 in the 50 zone are screwed. They can't seem to comprehend that anyone could conceivably want to go faster than they do, and yet in slow traffic usually can be seen tailgating like the hypocrites they are.
Best Defense: You can't ram 'em; they're usually lawyers with expensive cars. Best to just flash the old high beams at them. This will result in one of two things: either they'll actually move over and let you by, or they'll get all indignant and slow down just to irritate you. The latter is a serious mistake on their part, because at that point you should feel no guilt about swerving around and back in front of them, cutting them off nicely. They may follow you at high speed for a bit, but they'll back off.