I am a regular American.

I have a decent job, a hot wife, no kids, a large black truck, I'm buying a house in a few months. I'm college educated, slightly smarter than the average person, and I only work as hard as I need to. But I'm unsatisfied. I'm feeling a bit of ennui. I think the reason is, I don't have any purpose.

I'm always envious of athletes and artists who are the best at what they do because of their hard work. Sure, all of them were granted at birth some incredible raw talent: fleet feet, musical skill, enormous genitals, etc., but the very best ones take that talent and work hard to develop it. (Of course, I can really only think of one way to develop your already enormous genitals, and it hasn't exactly propelled me to a lucrative career in cinemax soft porn.)

I can't think of anything I enjoy doing so much that I could dedicate my life to it and do it 16 hours a day. I chose a career in computers not because I can't imagine doing anything else, but because it's reasonably fun and it pays very well. I like playing musical instruments, but I can't imagine practicing 2 hours every day and working a minimum wage job while playing gigs at "Bob's House of Pancakes, Beer, and Violent Drunks." The only real dream I have involves hitting the lottery so I can do whatever I want (most likely playing Playstation 14 hours a day) without having to worry about earning money.

Actually, that's not completely true. I have lots of dreams, but they tend to be inspired by whatever interesting thing I've watched or read about recently. After watching the World Series, I go to the batting cages. Whenever I hear a cool song, I'll spend a few hours composing some sappy ear candy myself. During the NFL playoffs, I drive to the mall in pads and tackle high school girls for an amusing afternoon.

But like most folks, I'm just living day to day, and I'm just a bit bored with life. What am I missing? Religion? I've been going to church most Sundays, with a few years off after college, for 25 years. Jesus can make his life-altering appearance whenever he's ready, but I'm not just gonna sit around watching TV until that happens. (Okay, of course I am.)

Perhaps it would be different if I didn't enjoy so many expensive things. Some folks enjoy running, which doesn't cost much more than a pair of shoes and a lifetime of ankle problems; others like birdwatching, so they buy a notebook and maybe a cheap pair of binoculars and go into the woods. Here's a short list of my favorite things to do, or things I'd like to try:

• Ride motorcycles. Thousands of dollars for the bike and gear.
• Auto-racing. Thousands for a car, plus parts, gas, tires, safety equipment, travel to a track, etc.
• Play golf. Coupla hundred bucks for clubs, and $40-80 per round.
• Get drunk in front of the TV. Already own a TV, but $60 a month for cable, $35 for a bottle of Dewar's that lasts a few weeks.

Which do you think I do more of, racing stock cars, or passing out in my kitchen while heating up a breakfast burrito?

I'm not sure which way this column was heading when I started, so it seems like a good idea to end it as soon as possible, so I'll close with this: anybody who can help me realize my dream of being independently wealthy, just wire the money to my home. Thanks!

---

Queries? Problems? Your brain leaking from your nose? I don't care. Ah, just kidding. Shoot an email to spam(at)matthearn(dot)com.