I am a regular American.

I have a decent job, a hot wife, no kids, a large black truck, I'm buying a house in a few months. I'm college educated, slightly smarter than the average person, and I only work as hard as I need to. But I'm unsatisfied. I'm feeling a bit of ennui. I think the reason is, I don't have any purpose.

I'm always envious of athletes and artists who are the best at what they do because of their hard work. Sure, all of them were granted at birth some incredible raw talent: fleet feet, musical skill, enormous genitals, etc., but the very best ones take that talent and work hard to develop it. (Of course, I can really only think of one way to develop your already enormous genitals, and it hasn't exactly propelled me to a lucrative career in cinemax soft porn.)

I can't think of anything I enjoy doing so much that I could dedicate my life to it and do it 16 hours a day. I chose a career in computers not because I can't imagine doing anything else, but because it's reasonably fun and it pays very well. I like playing musical instruments, but I can't imagine practicing 2 hours every day and working a minimum wage job while playing gigs at "Bob's House of Pancakes, Beer, and Violent Drunks." The only real dream I have involves hitting the lottery so I can do whatever I want (most likely playing Playstation 14 hours a day) without having to worry about earning money.

Actually, that's not completely true. I have lots of dreams, but they tend to be inspired by whatever interesting thing I've watched or read about recently. After watching the World Series, I go to the batting cages. Whenever I hear a cool song, I'll spend a few hours composing some sappy ear candy myself. During the NFL playoffs, I drive to the mall in pads and tackle high school girls for an amusing afternoon.

But like most folks, I'm just living day to day, and I'm just a bit bored with life. What am I missing? Religion? I've been going to church most Sundays, with a few years off after college, for 25 years. Jesus can make his life-altering appearance whenever he's ready, but I'm not just gonna sit around watching TV until that happens. (Okay, of course I am.)

Perhaps it would be different if I didn't enjoy so many expensive things. Some folks enjoy running, which doesn't cost much more than a pair of shoes and a lifetime of ankle problems; others like birdwatching, so they buy a notebook and maybe a cheap pair of binoculars and go into the woods. Here's a short list of my favorite things to do, or things I'd like to try:

• Ride motorcycles. Thousands of dollars for the bike and gear.
• Auto-racing. Thousands for a car, plus parts, gas, tires, safety equipment, travel to a track, etc.
• Play golf. Coupla hundred bucks for clubs, and $40-80 per round.
• Get drunk in front of the TV. Already own a TV, but $60 a month for cable, $35 for a bottle of Dewar's that lasts a few weeks.

Which do you think I do more of, racing stock cars, or passing out in my kitchen while heating up a breakfast burrito?

I'm not sure which way this column was heading when I started, so it seems like a good idea to end it as soon as possible, so I'll close with this: anybody who can help me realize my dream of being independently wealthy, just wire the money to my home. Thanks!

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Queries? Problems? Your brain leaking from your nose? I don't care. Ah, just kidding. Shoot an email to spam(at)matthearn(dot)com.

posted at 2:15 PM

Okay, here we have 'em, this week's BCS rankings for the Thing in a Bag Fantasy Football League (TIABFFL)! Okay, nobody will care but the 12 people with teams on this list. Who am I kidding? Nobody will care but me, and perhaps Kyle. (Scroll down past the table of random-ass numbers for explanation and analysis.)

BCS Rank	Team	Owner	Overall Points	APRV	Yahoo Ranking	AYRV	Coaches' Poll	ACPV	Computer Rankings	ACRV	Schedule Rank	Losses	ALV	BCS VALUE
1	Bugger Da Hearn	Fitzy	761.18	0.25	1	0.5	1	0.25	2	0.5	0.84	1	0.45	2.79
2	The Burninators	Hearn	716.08	0.5	3	1.5	2.5	0.625	3	0.75	0.6	3	1.35	5.325
3	Z-Man's Ironmen	Mary	668.06	1.25	2	1	2.33	0.5825	4	1	1.26	2	0.9	5.9925
4	Whistle Tips	B-lo	683.3	0.75	4	2	4	1	1	0.25	1.08	3	1.35	6.43
5	2004 ACC Champs	Kyle	669.2	1	5	2.5	4	1	6	1.5	0.48	3	1.35	7.83
6	Matt is Gay	Milo	655.16	1.5	6	3	6	1.5	5	1.25	0.3	3	1.35	8.9
7	A-ron's Foosballers	A-ron	635	1.75	7	3.5	7	1.75	7	1.75	1.26	3	1.35	11.36
8	The Stankrockers	Doug	597.46	2	8	4	6.33	1.5825	8	2	0.84	3	1.35	11.7725
9	2much4u	Craig	584.18	2.25	9	4.5	8.66	2.165	10	2.5	0.12	4	1.8	13.335
10	Balls Deep in Men	Kas	554.96	2.5	10	5	8.66	2.165	9	2.25	1.44	4	1.8	15.155
11	ESPN Interns	Bo	520.22	2.75	12	6	10.66	2.665	11	2.75	0.3	7	3.15	17.615
12	(HundreDolla) Bills	Unga	493.6	3	11	5.5	10.5	2.625	12	3	0.84	6	2.7	17.665

KEY:
APRV: Adjusted Points Ranking Value
AYRV: Adjusted Yahoo Ranking Value
ACPV: Adjusted Coaches' Poll Value
ACRV: Adjusted Computer Rankings Value
ALV: Adjusted Losses Value

A few interesting things about this week's rankings; Mary, despite having 5 wins, actually sits in 3rd place in the BCS rankings. This is mainly due to having a weak schedule (so far), and simply not throwing up a lot of points. She scores just enough to beat opponents, which of course is all you really need to do. Her close wins also mean she doesn't do well in the computer rankings (which are almost the exact opposite of the real BCS computers; all my computer model takes into account is how badly you whoop your opponent's ass).

On the other hand, the Whistle Tips score way high in the computer model because of a number of blowouts. Without the bonus he gets from the computer he'd be in a neck and neck race with Kyle, who started slowly but is gaining momentum. He's facing a hard schedule, which hurts his overall standings but improves his BCS score.

Fitzy, of course, is cruising along nicely, getting all the first place coaches' votes, plus tops in Yahoo ranking and number of losses. Over the next few weeks he plays nobody ranked higher than 6th, so look for him to grab at least two more wins and clinch the playoffs by week 10 at the latest, earlier than this pundit has ever seen in fantasy sports.

As for my team, I started strong with a 3 straight wins, and then got handed three straight losses. My win in week 7 will hopefully get me some momentum back, which I'll need to get through the next few weeks: I meet Loewen in week 8 and Mary in week 10, with a nice break to demolish the ESPN Interns. The Loewen-Hearn matchup this weekend is a make-or-break game for both teams; winner goes to 5-3, with a good chance of moving past Mary in the official standings.

The Interns have a great squad, but seem to have a lot of trouble predicting which players will do well in a given week. I predict that Bo will get out of his run of bad luck and rally to win 4 or 5 of the final 7 games, just enough to miss the playoffs by a whisker, along with Craig, who just seems to be lumbering along in mediocrity for some reason. I think a few poor draft decisions have kept Craig from really shining this year.

Speaking of poor draft decisions, Kas has done well to manage his team to 10th place, considering his draft. Picking last in the first round, he had an opportunity to snag 2 top-15 players; he went with Tiki Barber and Trent Green. I have no idea what he was thinking, but his plan seems to have backfired so far.

I thought Doug's team would be ranked higher at this point, but he just doesn't seem to be able to throw the points up there. His 4-3 record is the same as 5 other teams, but the low point totals keep him in the basement. A win against Kas this week would be huge for him, as many of the other 4-3 teams are playing each other. I look for Kyle and Doug to move up to 5-3 this week, with Aaron losing hard to Mary and Smith hitting the brick wall that is "Bugger Da Hearn."

A-ron has, so far, ridden an easy schedule to a high ranking, although his point totals are pretty high. This team could go either way, and a lot rides on this weekend. If he beats Mary, he goes to 5-3, and could have enough points to jump 3 or 4 spots in the standings. A loss sticks him at 4-4, and the following weeks' games could go either way; the only gimme-game he gets the rest of the season is a week 9 contest against Kas.

Unga's squad needs help; his low point totals are keeping him out of the race, even with that 57-55 point squeaker against Bo in week 3. I don't see him getting more than 1 or 2 more wins this season, although if he really comes on strong in the second half and wins 5 or 6 of the 7 games, he could possibly squeeze into the bottom run of the playoffs. He'd have to be REALLY really lucky, though.

None of that analysis tells the real story, though, which of course is that I'm going 7-0 to finish the season at 11-3 and run through the playoffs like Mo Vaughn through a plate of chicken wings. Count on it.

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Queries? Problems? Your brain leaking from your nose? I don't care. Ah, just kidding. Shoot an email to spam(at)matthearn(dot)com.

posted at 1:11 PM

Someday, at my first AA meeting, they'll ask me, "Well, Matt, why would you think that drinking scotch at 9 am is a normal pastime?" And I'll have to simply reply, "Homecoming." And everyone will smile and nod, and possibly a few will take a quick nip from a hidden flask.

Most folks think that the end-of-year holiday season kicks off with Halloween. They are wrong. Halloween is just an excuse for people to try to eliminate annoying children through diabetic coma. Homecoming is the perfect way to begin the holidays: with a bang! And quite possibly police action!

This year's University of Delaware Homecoming Spectacular was the first in recent memory that didn't involve a bunch of my friends arriving at my house for an all-day party. This year, Sarah put the kibosh on another Hearn Homecoming Extravaganza, partly because she didn't want another case of morons getting drunk and running around the yard screaming expletives at the neighbors, and partly because she was embarrassed when our friends would arrive at 9am and I'd already be trashed and naked.

This year, we actually got tickets for the game, and drove down to tailgate. We parked at the Chrysler plant across the street, using the logic that the UD cops break up all the tailgating as soon as the game starts, but the Chrysler plant is not UD property, so we could hang out after the game, drink some more, wait for the crowd of cars to clear out, and leisurely get on the road. We sat around, saw some people, drank some beers, downed some scotch, admired some sorority whores, and just before noon went over and got our seats for the game. The game itself was a blowout, 55-10, with Delaware leading 35-0 by halftime; by the end, they had their third-string QB in. We did have thunder sticks, though, so our dorky enjoyment was magnified.

After the game, we headed out. I realized I had to pee, so I ran over to the field house where we had drained a few times earlier. UD, in its infinite wisdom, had closed and locked the building. Why? I don't know. Probably because UD is run by idiots. Anyway, no problem, I just pissed on the building and went to meet my posse at the truck.

Except that for some reason, roughly 200 cops of various organizations were there. When I found my friends, they told me that apparently a riot had started, and mace was involved. Nothing but good times, particularly the stupid woman who hadn't done anything wrong, but insisted on screaming profanity at a cop until he just arrested her and threw her in the car to shut her up. Moron, party of one!

There's really nothing that brings you out of your post-game hangover than some pepper-spray and a nightstick to the throat, I'd reckon. Too bad I missed out on the fun. Oh well, there's always next year!

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Queries? Problems? Your brain leaking from your nose? I don't care. Ah, just kidding. Shoot an email to spam(at)matthearn(dot)com.

posted at 3:05 PM

I'm not sure anymore if there's a God, but it's fairly clear that supernatural gears are at work in our lives. Don't believe in curses? Neither did I, before this week. Okay, maybe just a little. But I tell you now, curses are real and at work in our lives.

The Boston Righteous would slay me for saying it. "There's no curse, you idiot! Harrumph, Harrumph!" They're just kidding themselves, the naifs. The Curse of the Bambino is alive and well, and spanking their asses.

Actually, it's not so much a curse as it is a demonic possession. The Boston Red Sox are possessed by Satan's minions. The Sox are owned, outright; no lien on that property. The Yanks made a $125,000 balloon payment in 1919 (not to mention the $350,000 loan) and have been dumping on the land ever since.

Ask yourself: your starting pitcher has done fine up to this point, only allowing two home runs and no other runs at all. It's the bottom of the 8th, one out. He's got two men on, the tying run at the plate. He's thrown almost 120 pitches, despite worries of his arm being sore at the beginning of the game. You take him out, right? No way you could leave him in in this situation. No rational human being would let Pedro continue to pitch, particularly the way the Sox bullpen has been knocking down batters like clay pigeons. What does the Sox manager, Grady Little (or as I like to call him, "Moron"), do?

No contest. Any rationality left in Little at this point has been completely suppressed by the demons, the voices in his head. Pedro stays in. 5 minutes later, the three-run lead has disappeared like the dodo, taking with it my girlish laughter and much of my dignity. After that it was merely a matter of waiting for the Yankees to make the game-winning play; Aaron Boone swings at the first pitch of the bottom of the 11th, and the game is over.

The Cubs' curse is more mundane, which makes it all the more humiliating. They can't get to a World Series because of a freakin' GOAT. (Also because their shortstop bobbles easy plays and contributes to giving up 8 runs in 2 outs.) In their case, though, there is a simple solution. ATTENTION WRIGLEY FIELD FRONT OFFICE: GET A DAMN GOAT INTO THE STADIUM FOR ALL GAMES.

The Red Sox problem is not so easily solved, although getting rid of Dan Duquette was a good start. How do you remove a hex based on a man that died in 1948? I don't think digging his piano out of the harbor is going to square things, but it would at least be worth a try. Maybe pour a bottle of scotch on his grave.

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. There are more important things in life to worry about than baseball. Such as when Andy Reid is going to give his crappy West Coast Offense the heave. (#@%&ing Eagles.)

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Give the Governor a Harrumph! You watch your ass.

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Comments? Questions? Quizno's got you down? Shoot an email to spam(at)matthearn(dot)com and complain away. I won't listen, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you DID something with your day.

posted at 9:41 AM