Oh, oh, baby, here comes my random jams, pay attention or you'll miss it, I like ham:

• I recently bought a suit from this man:
  Calvin Klein, maker of fine underwear Is it normal that I am now terrified of what I am becoming?
• So on Tuesday I went to Hollywood Tan and got one of them thar "spray-on" tans that doesn't involve scorching the skin. So far, so good, I seem to be extra pretty as a result. But it occurred to me; is there anything more silly than actually getting into a true tanning bed, with the harsh lights and whatnot? I shouldn't really bring it up, because I've been guilty of it myself, but it seems to me you're paying $5-15 a session for something you could get from the sun for free. It also strikes me as truly bizarre that every morning, I put on a face moisturizer that includes a sunscreen of SPF 45, and yet I have laid under tanning lights for as long as 15 minutes and burned myself red.

  The only thing I can think of that's similar is the concept of an "oxygen bar." Paying for air isn't much better than paying for sun.

  (BTW: If you're considering a spray-on tan, I should warn you off. I can't recommend it; I'm hell of blotchy. After you get sprayed, you're supposed to rub the stuff in all over your skin. Unfortunately, I apparently missed a spot or 12, so there are random patches of darkness interspersed with disturbing paleness. I look like a burn victim that got some of my skin grafts from Dikembe Mutumbo, and the rest from Powder. Worst of all, I couldn't reach my back to rub it in, so now it's covered in bizarre, massive freckles. Bad times. I think I'll go back to just accidentally scorching my skin while riding my bike.)

• After work on Monday I went for a bike ride with my comrade Shady in White Clay Creek State Park. It was, how you say, FRICKIN' AWESOME. Ripping down trails, grudgingly climbing back up them, almost crushing my cojones on big rocks, nearly wiping out two or three times but saving it at the last minute through sheer badassocity; I enjoyed it greatly. It was a way better workout than just riding on flat ground around my neighborhood. This afternoon after work I plan to find a few more trails in a different area of the park and see what kind of harm I can come to there.

  Of course, I've also had to invest in all kinds of righteous equipment for the bike. Helmet, pump, water bottle, mirror, gloves, small storage bag for under the seat, everything. Yesterday I picked up a little speedometer that I want to install soon; yesterday we were flying down a hill on Paper Mill Road and I became curious to know exactly how fast I was going. Plus I think I'd rather enjoy knowing how far I ride when I go out.

  In other words, I'm a super, super-ultra-dork. But you knew that anyway.