For years now, friends of mine have been telling me "Dude, Hearn, you totally have to see 'The Big Lebowski,' dude, it's totally YOU."

So on Sunday, after church but BEFORE my audition, Hearnwife and I rented it via the technological marvel that is "Comcast OnDemand" and gave it a watch. Here is what I have to report:

Um...snore. Literally, in the case of HW; she lasted about 45 minutes before looking over at me with that "Why did you just waste $2.99, you cretin?" look that she does so well. She was out like a light for the remainder of the film.

I managed to stay awake through it, although I frequently picked up some kind of women's-wear catalog that happened to be in reach, because the movie was just that boring most of the time. I get the feeling that my friends thought I would identify with the main character, "The Dude," but the only similarities I could see between him and me were:

1. We both like beer.
2. We both occasionally demonstrate a large vocabulary.
3. Sam Elliott appears intermittently in both our lives, sharing interesting anecdotes while sipping sarsaparilla.

That's it! And personally, I'm rather saddened that my friends might think I share any of The Dude's other characteristics:

1. Lazier than a deadbeat dad.
2. Has the sense of style of a blind hillbilly.
3. Curses like a sailor with Tourette's. (And I freely admit, I drop F-bombs like a Senator drops his pants, but holy cow. This man knows no boundary.)
4. Drinks White Russians. C'mon. White Russians? C'mon.

One characteristic I wouldn't mind sharing is the part where he did get to nail Julianne Moore, unless of course she smiles, because girlfriend is HELL of gummy. Plus her fake English accent sounds about as authentic as my fake Swahili accent.

Anyway, the plot of movie was reasonably interesting, although it could have been done in a one hour episode of NYPD Blue and left me with an hour to watch something that didn't suck. And it included a plot "twist" at the end that was not exactly surprising.

There were a few bright moments; every time Steve Buscemi said something, I usually giggled. And the crazy German guys who cut off their girlfriend's toe to try and get a million bucks in ransom money, they usually amused me. And any time Sam Elliott appears on my TV I am freakin' RIVETED. But by and large? "The Big Lebowski" gets a big thumbs down.