A great number of people have asked me, "Hey MattyMatt, what do you want for your birthday?" (Okay, only two people have asked me. It's cool...I know you all don't really like me. You just love my doggy style.) In the spirit of Christmas, which of course happened almost one month ago now, here are my wishes for the commencement of my 28th year:

• I want to pay off all my outstanding credit card debt. I'm tired of owing money to organizations that charge interest only slightly better than you can get from a bookie.
• I want to finally finish up with puberty. Ya know? It's been like 13 years? I think it's time for my acne to clear up and perhaps for the missing patches of facial hair to go ahead and fill themselves in. I don't think it's too much to ask.
• I want a set of totally rockin' abdominal muscles. Something with which to teaze the ladeez.
• I want to bring peace to the world via the expedient of slaughtering all those who disobey me. Wait, I mean, um, via prayer. Yeah. That's it.
• I want another soda . . . be right back.
• Okay, got it. Mmmm...that's good Diet Pepsi!
• I want to get in better shape. I'm tired of being overweight and lazy. Who's with me? Okay, not Sarah. But I'm all about it. After this soda.
• I want a copy of Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell.

And that's about it. (Sorry this didn't make it up yesterday; Blogger was on the fritz, and I got TOTALLY sucked in to Wikipedia reading about English Royalty.)