So I was thinking the other day about H. Jackson Brown's "Life's Little Instruction Book," that nifty little tome filled with helpful, often contradictory tidbits to help you along with life. I realized that I, through my 26-odd years of existence on earth, have learned a great number of things that I am remiss if I don't pass on to the masses. However, I am unlikely to find a publisher for anything I might put to paper, due to a variety of reasons mostly stemming from a medical imbalance in my brain. Then I remembered, Holy crap! You have a website, you idiot! Put it all online! Then I wondered why my coworkers had stopped their meeting and were all staring at me. Then I noticed I had been saying my internal monologue out loud for the past few minutes.

Anyway, here are my ideas. I plan to update this from time to time. Won't that be nice!

1. If you are trying to get somewhere, and the elderly man who was lumbering along gamely in front of you decides to STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DOORWAY to get his bearings, and you then shove this man aside and cause him to fall and break his hip, YOU will be charged with a crime. This is one of life's greatest injustices. Be warned.
2. 
   Sarah and Rachel and the Pacific, all three as purty as a posey.
   If you are working on a website post, and your wife instant messages you to say that she has a cute picture to put up, you need to delay the column for a day and just post the picture, or find a way to work the picture into the column.
3. The only time when it is reasonably safe to ask a woman if she is pregnant is when she appears to actually be in labor. Even then, it's worth tap-dancing around the subject a little bit. "So, do you, um, have any children?" "I'M GIVING BIRTH YOU IDIOT!" "Oh! Really? I hadn't even noticed! You carry it so well."
   Note that if you are responsible for the pregnancy in question, the above technique could result in your death. Of course, any man with a pregnant spouse has the Sword of Damocles over his head anyway.
4. John Mayer is the best thing to come out of the American music industry, ever. There are some people around who don't seem to grasp this. Avoid them at all costs, but if you can't, and one of them makes fun of you for developing a lengthy interpretive dance to "Neon" or "Split-Screen Sadness," and you stab them in the ear with a pencil, you will be charged with a crime. Be warned.
5. Trust no one that prefers Pepsi to Coke. Also, trust no one who prefers Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi.
6. You should always leave comments on people's blogs. Everybody likes to be appreciated.
7. The left lane is for passing. Keep right. Or I will kill you. And then I will probably be charged with a crime.
8. If you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes, look away, baby, look away. If we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say, look away, baby, look away. Don't look at me . . .
   
   I don't want you to see me this way.
9. Running from the police is always easier if you're clothed, but much more fun if you're nude. Make your own decisions.
10. Humankind's greatest accomplishment has little to do with medicine, or computers, or the printing press; all that stuff is just convenience. The one invention that has changed the world for the better in almost every way: pie. I mean, seriously, what problem could you possibly have that isn't helped at least a LITTLE bit by a piece of pie?
    Close second: donuts.
11. If you are very tall, you will never be able to find clothes that fit properly without having them custom sized. This is just something you will have to grow to accept. Try to marry a good seamstress so you can buy shirts with the 18" neck and 36" sleeves that you need, and have her remove the extra yard of fabric around the belly. Then use that fabric to strangle whoever it is that decided that anybody with an 18" neck must also, by nature, have a 48" waist. (Not that I wasn't getting disturbingly close, for a while there.)
12. Try to avoid stabbing someone until you are reasonably certain he or she isn't a police officer or important politician, unless you live in a state that doesn't have the death penalty, in which case carve away at will!
13. Stereotypes were developed over hundreds of years of consistent behavior. Ignoring them is like playing Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol.

Okay, that's what I've got for you so far. I intend to add to this list, assuming I can figure out certain technical difficulties with the numbering scheme. Until tomorrow: stay loose, killers!