A buddy of mine sent me an email generated by some company containing helpful tips about workplace etiquette and safety. Since I know we all could stand to be a little more safe at the office, what with me constantly getting emails reading "Matt, I accidentally stapled myself in the eye again. What am I doing wrong?" and "d00d i t0tally peed in the coffee mak0r agin lol" and "So I plugged in my laptop like I always do, and suddenly my pelvis exploded! Any thoughts?", I thought I'd share some of the highlights with you.

• Distraction is the number one cause of accidents on stairways. Remain alert.

  I can't count the number of times I've watched someone heading up the steps, and you see that glimmer in their eyes that signals they're not thinking about the laborious process of upward-walking, and BAM a stair-squid gets them. Happens every time.

• Most employees use elevators or escalators every day.

  Not me. We don't have any escalators at my office, and whenever I get into an elevator with someone, I become horrifically flatulent. I'll risk the stair-squid, myself, rather than trying to explain to someone what I could possibly have eaten to produce a gas that caused their cotton-blend shirt to dissolve.

• Never attempt to hold an elevator door open with the hand or foot. Closing doors can pinch and cause injuries.

  True story: I once watched a man attempt to hold a door open with his arm, and the doors closed on it, and then the elevator moved up 2 floors, causing his hand to become severed, and now it lives on the 5th floor of the building, feasting on unwary NT engineers and it's like 8 feet tall now and it roams the building at night looking for its owner and we call it Carl.

• Do not run. Walk.

  Luckily, we have a nice pool guard here that reminds us of this every 15 or 20 seconds by blowing his whistle and yelling. Normally we'd be somewhat irritated by this, but Steve just looks so damn dreamy in that little red Speedo.

• Use Safety mirrors where appropriate.

  I keep one with me at all times, one of those little dentist mirrors like SWAT team guys use to see if there's a bad guy around a corner. Anytime I approach a bend in the cubicle hallway, I crouch real low on the floor and carefully stick the mirror out to see if anybody's coming. If no one is, I carefully stand, dust myself off, and proceed around the corner. If someone IS coming, I carefully conceal myself in a corner (I wear cubicle-colored clothing for this purpose) and whimper quietly until they pass.

• If attacked, make a scene. Use your voice if you are in trouble. An attacker doesn't like unwanted attention.

  Additionally, it's a righteous way to avoid work; anytime a coworker or manager comes within 15 yards of my cubicle, I immediately start screaming RAPE and set off my personal alarm. If they continue to get closer, I break out the pepper spray. Sure, it won't get me very many raises, but my personal safety is much more important to everyone, I'm sure.

• If you, or someone you know, is assaulted, find out what resources are available.

  I'm not sure what resources they're talking about here; ideally, the main resource that I'd like to have is a large caliber handgun concealed in my pants BEFORE anyone tries to assault me. But afterwards, I guess maybe a bottle of scotch and a few hugs would be okay.

• Pets (of any kind) are not permitted in the workplace.

  What about invisible ones? Are they okay? 'Cause my two beautiful invisible bunnies, Hass and Pfeffer, ain't going NOWHERE without ME.

  That's right. I'd give up my job for my invisible rabbits. AND YOU ALL WOULD TOO if you could see how cute they are, but of course you can't, since they're invisible. It's so unfair.

• Pencils carried in the pocket should point down. Do not carry pencils behind the ears or with the point toward the palm of the hand.

  It's definitely preferable to take the point of a pen in the solar plexus than in the palm of the hand. I mean, if you hurt your hand, you won't be able to write, and then you're USELESS to the company. On the other hand (har!), my buddy Bob accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach with the pencil in his pocket when the stair-squid tripped him; he was able to staple the wound shut and continue working until 6pm, when his boss told him he could drive himself to the hospital, where they removed his spleen, which had graphite poisoning. That's a REAL employee, right there.

• Remember that hot water from "Hot" taps on water fountains is extremely hot; avoid splashing it on the skin.

  Oh, if only I had known, I might still have an epidermis!

• Be aware of symptoms such as sneezing, itching, watery eyes, headaches, etc., especially if they subside when away from the workplace. These symptoms can indicate problems ranging from insufficient outside make up air to contaminant growth in the air handling system.

  Well, I dunno about that stuff, but I'm usually in a pretty horrible mood from the moment I walk into the building until I leave. Hm. I should see a doctor so I can identify exactly whom I need to sue.

• Last, but certainly not least: Horseplay is hazardous and is prohibited on company property.

  What about sheep play? Or golden showers? Are blumpkins out as well? Man, that's no fun.

I know those rules may seem hard to remember, but just keep this in mind: a little safety-sense will GREATLY reduce the number of eye-gougings and gunshot wounds at the office.