Uh oh . . . Emily sent me a survey! Guess what that means! It's time for all of y'all to edumacate yourselves about the B.A.M.F. that is MATT HEARN. Let's begin.

• What time do you get up?

  It varies. If I get to bed at midnight, I'm usually up around 8. If I manage to finish up all the silly crap I do in the evenings and get to bed by 10, I'm usually up by around 8. Today, for example, I stayed up until 11:30 watching the Red Sox pitchers crap all over the mound, so I was up at about 7:55.

• If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be?

  Probably God, if He counts as a person, and since I make up the rules, I say He does. I figure somewhere between the salad and the entree, I'd just reach across the table, grab Him by the shoulders, shake Him for a few seconds, and scream "CAN WE GET SOME RESPONSE OUT OF YOU? Please? A burning bush, something, ANYTHING. Just let us know you aren't dead. Thanks."

• Gold or silver?

  Silver. My skin and hair coloring don't work well with gold, and I think you have to be either really Italian or really trashy to pull off wearing a lot of gold.

• What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

  Jackass, sometime back in 1999 or 2000. I haven't been to a movie theater since, and honestly haven't really missed it. There's nothing that's been released in the last 5 years that I would be willing to pay $9 to see, although there have been countless times I'll see a trailer and say, "Ooh, gotta go see that!" And then I just don't.

• What is/are your favorite TV show(s)?

  Based on what I bother to snag with my DVR, I'm a fan of the Simpsons, Joey, Scrubs, Will and Grace, Futurama, and Days of Our Lives. Though technically we record the last one for Sarah. I am a huge Family Guy fan, but the DVR doesn't bother to get those because we have every episode on DVD.

• What do you usually have for breakfast?

  If I have time, 4-6 eggs and 4-6 pieces of bacon. If I don't have time, I try and scarf down a yogurt and some carb-free chocolate milk. If I'm hungover, I stop at McDonalds and get 8 or 9 bacon-egg-and-cheese-biscuits that I eat throughout the morning.

• Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?

  Someone who feels very strongly that John Kerry is the right man to lead the United States, and has a book of statistics proving so.

• What is your middle name?

  Danger.

• Beach, City or Country?

  This is a toughie. Each has its merits; I love going to the beach, but the high prices and crowds tend to drive me a little insane. Also, there's not a lot of work for UNIX Engineers at the beach, since the sand plays hell with the cooling fans. I like the city a good bit, for the culture and public transportation and easy access to Thai food, but again the high prices and crowds of people turn me off. Ideally, I'd live on a big ranch with a lot of acreage, preferably in the middle of Central Park, but with a big fence and lots of shotguns to keep joggers out.

• Favorite ice cream?

  Anything with about 8 tablespoons of Hershey's Syrup on top of it. And no nuts, I hate nuts. Except peanuts, those are delish.

• What's your favorite quote?

  I'm gonna go with this one that Jared said to me on instant messenger this morning:

  "Nothing is worse than being sick with an annoying phlegmy cough and letting out a big cough that launches a green ball of s*** out of your mouth and onto your leg/desk/keyboard."

  Gross.

• Which would you prefer to buy: shoes, purses, makeup or bath products?

  Shoes. Definitely. Mainly because you didn't list "Stereo components," I don't wear makeup, I don't take baths, and the one man-purse I own is all I need, man.

  Also, I really dig shoes, and I need a couple more pairs of brown ones. Better hoof it to Rugged Wearhouse!

• Price not considered, what kind of car would you drive?

  1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS with the 454 big block. Probably something in a racy orange or red. With doilies on the seats.

• Favorite sandwich?

  Whichever one is on my plate when I sit down at the table. I'm partial to anything with a lot of roast beef or turkey or egg salad, and as long as it's got some American cheese and a crapload of mayonnaise, I'll eat it.

  Mmmm . . . crapload of mayonnaise.

• What characteristic(s) in people do you despise?

  Sitting in the left lane while not passing anyone. I think it should be punishable by death.

• Favorite flower?

  The little lace ones on the front of brassieres. They smell great, even if the joy is momentary 'cause the brassiere's owner usually ruins the moment with a blast of pepper spray and a swift foot to the jumblies.

• If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

  I think I'd like to spend a week at a resort in the Caymans. With Jude Law.

• Favorite brand of clothing?

  Old Navy. They size everything large so my 38" waist can wear 36" pants. I love it.

  Also they make excellent manbags.

• Where would you retire to?

  I wouldn't want to be far from my family, but probably Texas. It's nice there, lots of space and cattle. I love cows.

• Favorite day of the week?

  Today! Just kidding. Friday, probably, depending on whether or not I go on-call that weekend.

• What did you do for your last birthday?

  I don't remember, which is hardly surprising. I think we probably had a party at the house, and I probably took off my pants.

• Where were you born?

  Upper Darby, PA. I think there's a shrine to me there now. Or at least one of those blue and yellow "This famous Pennsylvanian was born here and later went on to fame and fortune as a professional Clodagh Rogers impersonator" signs.

• What's your favorite color?

  I like blue. Do you?

• Favorite sport to watch?

  Probably football, although auto racing and baseball are equally enjoyable. I'm also partial to women's billiards. Jeannette Lee will be my 6th wife.

• Who do you least expect to send this back to you?

  Uh . . . this question is only appropriate in an email. This is not an email. I am thusly ignoring this question. It never happened. Do you hear me? IT NEVER. HAPPENED.

• Person you expect to send it back first?

  See, what we have here, is a failure to communicate.

• What fabric detergent do you use?

  I think we go with Tide, most of the time. HW handles the laundry duties at the house. I'm in charge of making sure the DVR records Days of Our Lives and ER, changing cat litter, and downloading porn.

• Coke or Pepsi?

  For many years, I drank Coke. Even now, I prefer regular Coke to regular Pepsi. However, Diet Coke is similar in flavor to automatic transmission fluid, so most of the time nowadays I drink caffeine-free diet Pepsi.

• Are you a morning person or a night owl?

  I have an easier time staying up late than I do getting up early, so I guess night owl is the proper response. In reality I'd be happiest if I had time to sleep 10 to 12 hours per day.

• Favorite restaurant

  Whichever restaurant I happen to find myself in when the food is served. At this point in my life, I will eat just about anything, but I'm partial to good prime rib. Harry's Savoy is a top pick for the best beef, although Sullivan's does a pretty good Porterhouse. I haven't been to Walter's in a while, but I remember that as being tasty also.

• What is your shoe size?

  It depends largely on the maker, because different shoe companies have different views on width. If I can find something sufficiently wide (EE or greater), I wear about an 11-1/2, or a 12. If I have to buy a fairly narrow width I've been known to wear a 14.

  I probably wear a ladies 14 or 15, which is challenging to find, and expensive.

• Do you have any pets?

  Four psychotic, chain-smoking cats: Pete, Poly, JD, and Veronicat, aka The Cheat.

Don't you feel hell of educated now?