I think I need to start carrying a purse. A "manbag," if you will.

You're probably sitting there wondering, "Well, obviously. Matt's finally coming out of the closet." To which I respond, "You, many gay men, and the entire world's female population, WISH!" No, I need to start carrying a purse so I look a little less like a Russian speed skater and a little more like Paul Hamm. Or at least Mia Hamm.

The issue at hand is that I lost like 40 pounds over the course of the year by careful dieting, periodic exercise, and a serious morphine habit, so I'm having to buy new clothes; I was able to buy a couple pairs of pants at Old Navy in size 36x34, which I haven't worn since my sophomore year of college. I'm extremely stoked to be wearing these sizes, except that when you get to wear smaller waists, you also have to deal with less room in the pants for your butt and thighs.

And despite my loss of poundage, I still have the basic bone and muscle structure of a starting defensive lineman for the Steelers, so having less room for Tha Booty leads to the following unfortunate occurrences:

• Mild constriction on the junk. It's not painful, but it's a constant reminder throughout the day, and every time I stand up I have to discreetly make minor adjustments, which is pretty much impossible, because there's simply no way to ensure that one's yambag isn't twisted upside down without having to do that little dance. All the guys reading this are nodding their heads. (All the girls reading this are throwing up into their mouths.)
• Anything that's in my pants pockets sticks out rather dramatically. "Hey Hearn, is that a cell phone in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?" Well, both, Dad!

I figure the first problem is pretty much unavoidable; those of us who are, shall we say, "gifted," just have to put up with a certain amount of pressure. The second problem I think I can do something about, if I just start carrying all my personal possessions in a little bag. You know, something I can put in my desk when I get to work, along with the sneakers and socks I wear to get into the building because these pumps are horribly uncomfortable.

I'm hoping someone out there has some suggestions for what sort of bag. Should I just get something simple, like brown leather? Should it have tassels? Should I pick up something with lots of sequins to go with my evening-wear? Decisions, decisions.