Those of you who don't see me very often probably haven't been aware that I've lost a rather significant amount of weight; I'm down to about 220 lbs, from nearly 260 at the beginning of the year. I was a big mammajamma.

(For those who are curious how I did it, I attribute the loss to three core lifestyle changes:

1. I switched to diet soda, which cut probably 500 calories a day from my intake.
2. I stopped eating most carbs in general.
3. I moved into a house where there is not a Burger King within 5 minutes walking distance.)

Anyway, in an effort to get a good grasp on my general health and well-being, I went over to this handy Body Mass Index calculator to see if I'm considered by the medical establishment to be as svelte as I feel I have now become. So I enter my weight (220, in case your short-term memory is as reliable as mine), and my height (6 foot 3 inches) and get back "27.5."

Wait a minute. 27.5? That's still considered "overweight!" Anything between 25 and 30 is overweight. (Above 30 is apparently called "morbidly obese." Anything above 40 is usually named "bovine.") In fact, to get to under 25 and be non-overweight, I'd have to either grow 4 inches, or get down to less than 200 pounds.

Folks, if I ever tell you I weight less than 200 pounds, you need to get me to a doctor immediately.

So I propose a new way to calculate fitness. It's called Matt Hearn's "Am I Fat?" Index. Here's how it works:

1. First, take your weight, in pounds, and divide by 2.2 to get your mass in kilograms. (Working in metric is easier. Trust me. Several million drunken Europeans can't be wrong.)
2. Next, calculate your height in inches: multiply the number of whole feet by 12, and add that to the number of inches. Example: I am 6'3", so I am 6*12+3=75 inches tall. Then migrate this to approximate decimeters by dividing by 4.
3. Next, go get some beer. You'll need the muscle relaxants for the next step. If you have something low carb, that's fine, but just about any decent swill will do. (For this I tend to use a double-deuce of Colt 45.) Drink the beer as rapidly as possible. Record the number of gulps it took.
4. Now we have to measure your flexibility. If possible, set a video camera up to get this on tape and send it to me. Stand with your feet spread as far apart as you can, holding the empty beer can/bottle over your head, and attempt to reach the stars. The stars, I say! Not just the ceiling! REACH FOR THOSE ANGELIC DOTS IN THE HEAVENS, MY SON! TOUCH THEM LIKE YOU'VE TOUCHED MY HEART!

   Um . . . sorry, got a little over the top there. I'm okay now, thanks.

5. Take your calculated flexibility value (you don't have it? Sheesh. Go back a step and PAY BETTER ATTENTION) and multiply it by your calculated mass in kilograms. Subtract from that the number of gulps it took to drink the beer, divide the total by the number of ounces in said beer, square the result, divide by the Golden Ratio, and then go get some frickin' Häagen-Dazs and relax. You deserve it.