Let's talk about urinals. (Great lede, huh?)

The men's bathroom on my floor of our office building has two urinals. A short one, and a tall one. This produces many a mental quandary when using the facilities, as when one enters, you have to weigh the various options and make a decision based on these factors:

1. Avoiding urine splashback on the hands: Gotta go with the shorty here.
2. Avoiding urine splashback on the knees of one's trousers: A powerful burst into the urinal cake of the short stack results in spatter all over one's khakis. Definitely the tallboy wins this one.
3. Feeling like a big man: Obviously, an adult male would use the taller urinal. Because to do anything else is unAmerican.

Obviously, if you are rather miniature, all of this discussion is moot. However, we don't really have a lot of 8 year old children working in my office, and I haven't seen any midgets¹ enter the building either. Additionally, assuming you wash your hands, #1 isn't really that big a deal, unless you are friends with Bob.

Unfortunately, the problem I run into is "concern for others." Meaning, should I take the lowrider so that the guy coming in after me can have the joy that is "the big boy urinal?" Or should I take the upperdecker so that should a short guy happen to come in after me, he won't have to wait for me to finish with the mini-man pisser?

See, these are the kinds of mental exercises men miss out on if they refuse to use urinals and only pee in the poopers. Also, you should probably know that you will be the first people I have beheaded when I become emperor. It's nothing personal; you all just REALLY PISS ME OFF.

hehehe I said piss

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¹ Yes, yes, I know, they prefer to be called "Little People." That drives me nuts as well. I mean, isn't that a lot like telling people, "Please, I would prefer to be described as 'Fat Man,' thank you." Anyway, it peeves me that people constantly have to get more and more PC. I mean, I can't call retarded people "retarded" any more. I think they're supposed to be called "Challenged." Can't we just settle on a name and stick with it? I hate change.