Have you ever considered exactly how much you can tell about a man by his landscaping? It's true. I think we can all agree that somebody with a yellow lawn (possibly strewn with car parts) is not a man with whom you wish to trifle. (That sentence was a grammatical masterpiece . . . let's move on.)

Other examples:

• A man with a lot of weeds should be left alone. Either he doesn't care that his lawn has weeds, and is thusly an insensitive person who probably tortures turtles, or he cares very deeply and is so pissed off that he has weeds that he's liable to snap at any time and garrote you with weed-eater string.
• Just because a man has a lot of flowers, that indicates absolutely nothing about him other than he appreciates the beautiful things in life. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
• 
  A man that plants bushes in his yard that look like sperm is a man who has severe emotional problems.
• Mowing your lawn more than once every 4 days is an indicator of serious OCD. (You probably go through soap like I go through Diet Pepsi, you hand-washing freak.)

Now that I'm thinking about this, though, I've come up with a few more intriguing tests of a man's character that are unrelated to lawncare.

• Never judge a man by the song that comes on his radio when he starts the car. However, you can certainly judge him by whatever song he was listening to when he turns it off.
• A man should not be judged by the things he says when he is drunk. Unless, of course, he is drinking tequila.

What kind of things do y'all use to judge the character of somebody? Post it in the comments or email me at spam (at) matthearn (dot) com.