You know the first time you go to the doctor, and he explains that the growth on your stomach is relatively normal? That it's just a massive beer gut? Remember the relief you felt when you realize you DIDN'T have a massive tumor on your torso, but instead would just have to diet and lose 30 pounds? Remember hugging the doctor and crying, and then buying a milkshake on the way home?

I guess it's just me then. Anyway, that joy is what I felt at the Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park on Saturday.

The only word I can really use to describe the ballpark is: "Tinglerious." I don't even know what it means, but it's a great stadium. Food on every concourse, plenty of bathrooms, incredible sightlines to the field, and a good showing by the home team were the order of the day.

Food: We were in the 400 level, which is really high up, but still had plenty of food options on the concourse: cheese steaks, hot dogs, fries, beer (plenty of beer), everything you could want. My only complaint was that there was apparently only one restaurant selling cheese fries, and of course that was the line with 15 people in it. Milo wanted fries, and it being his birthday, I had to stand in line for an entire freaking inning. I almost had a seizure, but luckily I was drunk.

Bathrooms: Reasonably clean, and plenty of them. I suspect the cleanliness was mainly a measure of the fans not laying yard biscuits in the middle of the floor like they used to do at the Vet, but it was nice nevertheless. I didn't have to wait in line to pee. Ever. It ruled. 'Cause I was drunk and had to pee a lot.

The game: Really great. They say there's not a bad seat in the house, which is true, although some seats are obviously more "super" than others. We could see everything happening, which ruled, but I couldn't yell insulting things at the opposing players an the umps. I was able to yell at the guy that threw out the ceremonial first pitch (because he completely missed the catcher), "I'm embarrassed for both of us!" As you probably recall, I was drunk.

Polanco, Lieberthal, Bell, and Burrell all homered in a 6-3 win over the Expos, which was nice. Phils moved themselves up to 4-6, I think, so maybe they're gonna get out of this early hole pretty quickly.

Saturday night I wanted to go to Knappuccinos, but got paged by annoying work. My job is irksome at times.

Sunday was a busy day; I awoke at 5:30 because HW was snoring like a polar bear (it turns out she's got tonsilitis or something), was at work at 7:30, and was back home by 10:30, which was nice because I had a few hours to hang out before my Brigadoon audition, which I think went absotively superbly.

They had me sing parts of all four songs, plus a bunch of reading, made me do a little dance step to demonstrate that I don't have cerebral palsy, and asked me what I've been up to for the past 8 years since I haven't done any theatre other than working at the high school. I'm feeling pretty confident, although that indicates nothing; the last time I felt "confident" about an audition was that porno tryout in 1997, after which Ron Jeremy had me blackballed from the business, the jerk.