Okay people, it's time you learned the truth. I know nothing about Dave Chappelle's Asian wife, assuming he actually has one. Nor do I have any pictures of cankles, and whoever of you searching for "pop zits pictures": that is just f'd up. I mean, I love a good zit popping, but looking at pictures of somebody else doing it just made me throw up in my mouth. Erp...yeah, did it again. Thanks.

Those of you who don't have any idea what I'm talking about should know that I have statistics reports for matthearn.com; on this report is a list of things that people search for that lead directly here. (That's how I generate the Favorite Searches Page once a month.) The things in the previous graf were things that folks searched for that led here. It scares me, personally, that you can search for "panty chicks" and "bishop wayne wright," and both of those things lead to my page (among a few thousand others, obviously).

Also on the stats page, I note that my readership for April is WAAAAY down, almost 33%. Is it because I spent the month of March not writing? Is it because people are spending more time outside? I dunno. I've been posting 2 to 3 times a week all month (waaay more than I did before March, I'll note) and getting no internet love! Is my quality down? What's the story? Do you all just suck? I gotta turn this around, or I'll never get enough readers to post my hypnotizing Flash cartoons and bend the web savvy world to my will.

I mean, uh, I'll never get enough readers to warrant a book deal like Wil. That's the ticket . . . yeah.

So here's my plan. Obviously strange searches lead people here, so I'm going to start dropping names and amusing things into my columns for no discernible reason (much like I already do). So, anybody watching Will and Grace? How about that delicious Eminem pie recipe? I heard Pudge Rodriguez loves pie.

In a related story, somebody told me the other day that Prince is pretty pissed off about the Dave Chappelle "Charlie Murphy" sketch about Prince playing basketball. I haven't found any info on the web about it; if somebody sees it, can you link me to it? That would be mos def.