Because I'm absolutely freakin' SHAMELESS, I'm stealing an idea from Jill, as recompense for her using my "post the funny search phrases" gimmick, which of course I stole from Jeff Kay. She filled out a cool questionnaire that a friend of hers sent her, but since I don't have any cool friends with questionnaires to send me (I usually just get the "Robin Williams Plan For Peace" email twice a day), I just stole the one she used. Here we go:

Your Name Here: Matthew David Hearn, although I often go by General Custer.

1. If you were Imperator/Imperatrix for just enough time to pass one global mandate, what would it be?
By Imperial Dictate, anyone that sends me the "Robin Williams Plan For Peace" email has to give me $50 or be kicked in the jubblies. Same goes for that thing about life that George Carlin allegedly wrote after his wife passed away.

2. What is your favorite opera?
Ooh, a toughie! Probably La Boheme. Saw it at the Met a few years back and it was so money I wanted to rename it Benjamin. Carmen is also a favorite since I've performed in it a few times myself. Unfortunately I just don't know that many operas because I find oratorio and choral music so much cooler. I'm gonna say La Boheme. Yeah. No. Wait. Yeah, that's it.

3. What was the last movie you saw that made you want to hurl your popcorn at the screen in disgust?
Haven't seen anything in a theatre in years; I don't see the point in paying $10 per ticket. I can't recall ever seeing a movie that was so horrible I was actually pissed when I left, because the only time I get out to a movie theatre is if I KNOW a movie is going to kick so much ass that I won't be able to sit down. I did get a little pissed when I went to see the remastered Star Wars, episode IV, and they changed stuff like "Han just blows away the bounty hunter" to "The bounty hunter shoots first, so Han HAD to kill him!" PC crap that like that makes me throw up in my mouth.

4. What is your favorite rainy day activity?
Playstation 2. No question. I'd like to say it's something much more meaningful, like "reading poetry to my beautiful wife," or "baking donuts for the homeless," but in all honesty if I'm stuck inside with nothing to do I'm gonna be firing up MVP Baseball and hurling 100mph fastballs at Barry Bonds' enormous head.

5. If you could whisper something in the US President's ear in the middle of a press conference, what would it be?
"You're doing an okay job, but it's time to back off the gay marriage thing, dude. Homosexuality is perfectly natural, or at least more so than snorting cocaine off a stripper's foot in a Texas honkytonk in 1973."

6. What musical instrument would you like to master [that you do not already play]?
The list is endless. I'm working on learning the piano, but I also think it's time I learn to play a woodwind instrument of some sort; I'm thinking the bassoon would be cool. But I also want to learn the mandolin and dobro so I can get my bluegrass band off the ground. I think I'll stick with learning the piano, if only because not knowing how to play is rapidly becoming a serious liability (running a choral rehearsal and not having anyone to play the keyboard parts gets REAAAAALLLY annoying).

7. Did you ever have a friend who was born in the 19th century?
I had a great-grandmother that died in 1993 that was born in 1899. I never exactly thought of her as a friend, but she was pretty cool.

8. What song drives you up the wall?
"I Don't Want You Back" by Eamon. Absolutely makes me insane if I can't change the channel.

9. Tell us about a time you fell asleep while driving (if applicable):
So Kyle and I are driving out to Michigan to help my buddy Brian move all his crap from Kalamazoo to Flint. It's about a 12 hour drive, plus I had driven 4 hours down to Richmond to pick up Kyle, so Kyle took the first shift, starting around 9pm, while I napped fitfully. Around 1am, we were coming out of West Virginia, and we stopped for gas, so I took over driving, quickly chugging two Red Bulls to keep me awake. Sometime around 3:00, I wondered if I was gonna make it to the next gas fillup. Sometime around 3:30, after having driven several feet onto the shoulder 2 or 3 times, I woke Kyle up and said, listen, we gotta stop, I'm gonna kill us. Kyle switched over to the driver's side and I passed out until 6am.

(There are other instances of falling asleep, but this is a family website, and that's all I have to say about that.)

10. If the Earth was about to be destroyed and you were allowed to save only one work of literature to represent your home planet, what would it be?
I have no idea. Probably a collection of Dave Barry columns, or a copy of Hustler.

11. What sport would you like to play (that you do not already play)?
Whoof. Well, I'd love be a football star, but quarterbacks seem to get hurt a lot and die young. Baseball would be fun, of course, but realistically I'd like to get pretty good at basketball. It's something I could actually play in rec leagues around here, year round, and it'd help keep the weight off. As it is now, I can barely dribble without looking at the ball, I shoot approximately 7% from the field, and my ability to rebound is limited by my complete inability to jump more than 8" into the air.

12. What sport would you like to abolish (that hasn't already been abolished)?
I guess this would imply that there are sports out there that are "wrong," but I can't think of one. Liberalism, maybe?

13. Tell us a little about the worst job you ever had:
They've all pretty much sucked. I'm not a big fan of working, personally. I'd like to have a music career, but unfortunately I like expensive things, and giving up my cushy job seems a high price to pay for the, what, 1 in a million chance of making it big as a musician? I think being a poor musician would suck worse than being a bored computer engineer.

14. What is your earliest childhood memory?
Not sure...probably when I was about 4, I remember riding in the car to the hospital because mom was in labor with Amelia. I THINK it may have been the Monte Carlo, but they might have bought the Caprice Wagon by then. Not sure.

15. What was the first record you ever bought with your own, hard- earned money?
I think it was the Eagles reunion live show thing, "Hell Freezes Over." Not a bad album, when you think about it.

16. If you were forced to be on one of those idiotic TV talk shows, which one would you opt for? Why?
Probably Regis and Whatshername, because Whatshername is so hot. Or maybe The View to flirt with Elizabeth Hasselbeck. She is highly rad.

17. If you could communicate with one particular specie [sic] of the animal kingdom, which would it be and why?
Cats, no question. Just to find out why the hell our cat The Cheat doesn't like anybody and refuses to use a litterbox consistently. Also to find out why Pete throws up all over the house.

18. Which holiday ought to be stricken from the calendar?
Labor Day. Unions are communist. (If I disappear over the next few days, check local construction sites.)

19. How would you make automobiles safer for everyone?

• Make it 100 times harder to get a license.
• Spend billions on public transportation infrastructure.

20. Was this a fun interview or should it be stricken from the records?
It was rather fun. It remains to be seen if my readers will be impressed, but they're such hard nosed bastards anyway.