Went to dinner over at P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro on Sunday, so I thought I'd write a Hearn-style (read: unfunny, amateurish, and rambling) restaurant review!

For any restaurant to be considered "Hellagood," the ultimate Hearn review rating, it must perform well in the following three categories:

• Ambience
• Service
• Food

Let's cover each in turn.

Ambience: Visually, P.F. Chang's is pretty nifty. Some neat asian-style statues, cool tile-work, and muted lighting give it a very hip look, although the bright lighting from the kitchen is distracting. Unfortunately, the aural experience is an absolute tragedy. The kitchen is largely open to view behind the bar, and kitchens are not quiet places. All the banging of pots and pans is audible in the eating area, which means everybody has to talk louder, which escalates into a deafening roar. We couldn't hear our waiter very well, and he was standing right next to us and nearly yelling.

Okay, sure, it's a bistro, so I guess I should have expected a cafe-type environment. That doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. There's a fine line between "cafe" and "cafeteria," and Mr. Chang has definitely crossed it. You could get the same atmosphere if you went to Hong Kong Buffet and bribed the manager to dim the lights.

Ambience rating: 2/10

Service: Our waiter, Jeff, was superb, and the rest of the staff seemed equally competent. He was crisply polite, and he wrote the order down. (I can't begin to explain how important this is. Attention all waitstaff everywhere: I am not impressed that you can remember 90% of what we ordered without writing it down. Your superb memory skills aren't worth a damn if you forget the little things, like that I wanted mayonnaise on the side, or if you bring me a scotch with ice in it when I order it NEAT. Write the order down, get it absolutely exactly right, and collect your 20-25% tip with a smile.)

The orders came on time, the drinks were as requested, Jeff made no mistakes.

Service rating: 10/10

Food: You can't see me, but I'm shaking my head sadly. After my complaints about the ambience, it was going to take some damn fine food to make me come back to Señor Chang's. First to arrive was the Won-Ton soup, which was actually quite good. It was hot and sweet, with chunks of chicken and shrimp. Next we got the Peking Dumplings, which were pork-filled, chewy, and all around mad flava-ful.

Unfortunately, we had also ordered entrees: "Mongolian Beef," and "Double Pan Fried Noodles with Chicken." The beef was actually not bad, although it just wasn't hot enough. I'd rather wait for a dish to cool than have to dig into it knowing that, by the end, I'll be eating cold meat. That's what happened. Plus, since the beef was somewhat blackened, it became tough, so after eating about half of the dish, it had cooled into beef jerky.

The double fried noodles...were not good (understatement of the month). Half of the dish was cold, the noodles were caked into an unchewable mass, the sauce was too sweet, it was just nasty. You know how you can get packages of dry chinese noodles with spices, and you just throw 'em in boiling water and they break up and soak up the liquid and become a very tasty (and cheap) meal? Okay, I think the recipe for the "double fried noodles" is: take the dry chinese noodles, and throw them on a plate WITHOUT COOKING THEM. Make a sauce consisting of a cup of sugar and a bottle of Kikkoman, heating until it has the consistency of baby poop. Then, cook some chicken in a microwave and sit it in the fridge to cool. Put the chicken under the dry noodles. Pour the sauce on top. Serve to an extremely displeased Hearnwife, who felt guilty just for ordering it.

It looked like some kind of Chinese Jesus had thrown up on a plate after being kicked in the balls by Buddha.

Food Rating: 4/10

So, the overall rating? (3+10+4)/3 = 5.67 out of 10. Considering that the entire meal, including drinks and tip, was upwards of $80 for two people, I don't think it's too much to ask for a bit more value. Not much you can do about the ambience; the place is just poorly designed. But the food, man...FIX THE FOOD, I beg you. Just don't let it sit around. That's nasty.

Hearn Review Rating: Plus ungood.