It's a two-topic day! Well, 3. Er, 2 1/2. The last two topics are sort of intertwined, so . . . let's start over.

It's a multiple-topic day! There, that's better. Topic one: The Weather Gods suck. 3 to 6 inches my portly pink posterior. Those of you not stuck in Delaware are probably unaware that last night was spent in a Winter Weather Warning, meaning The Storm was Heading Right For Us and Nobody Was Going To Work or School for 3 Months.

Skeptic that I am, I kept an eye on the weather map all day. Sure, the storm is coming this way, but the way it is subtly curving, I said to myself, it's gonna pass north of us. We'll be lucky to get 2". That turned out to be optimistic. We got less than an inch. The only thing that closed was the preschool at which my mother works, and they close for sun flares.

Actually, it was rather amazing. I have never seen a storm so spiteful, so determined to drop as little snow as possible on yours truly. I watched the weather map off and on until I headed to bed at 11, and the small portion that knew it wasn't going to be able to pass north of us actually split in half and went around us on either side. It was like nothing I've ever seen. Therefore, the Weather Gods get one hell of an "up yours," unless of course they defeat Mongo, in which case I shall bake them a most excellent pie, provided they have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to them. Topic two:

The Inability of Most Americans To Speak English. Okay, this topic is largely old hat, but I think some lessons need to be restated:

• The word is pronounced "offen." Yes, I know there's a "t" in it. There's also a "b" in a "subtle," an "o" in "opossum," etc. It is, and I'm sure you've heard of this before, a silent letter. It is left out. Please stop saying it.
• The word "espresso" does not have an x in it. Those who pronounce it as if it does, such as the idiot local yokel I heard in a Dunkin Donuts ad this morning, will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
• We've been over this approximately 3000 times. The correct phrase is, "I could not care less." Those of you who say, "I could care less," are essentially saying that you DO care at least somewhat, because it would be technically possible for you to care less than you currently do. If you did not care at all, it would be impossible for you to care less. Thus, "I could not care less." Those of you who cannot understand this are advised to use the phrase "Here's a quarter...call someone who cares," so you can avoid getting shivved if you say the wrong thing in front of me.
• Your vs. You're: I've almost given up hope on this one. I've grown to accept that the average American is both stupid and lazy, and therefore types "your a jerk" because they lack the energy to type the extra two characters and the intelligence to care. But when I see something like "you're dogg bited me!!?!" I start twitching. Please just stop using pronouns altogether, I beg you.
• Capitalization: the shift key is your friend. He loves you, albeit unrequitedly. Please learn to love him back.

Related Third Topic: Cool archaic spelling. This is probably something that most folks don't run across, but as a church singer I see it very often. Centuries ago, English was largely pronounced as it was spelled, meaning words like "rejoiced" were pronounced "ree joy said," and and "scattered" was pronounced "sca ter red."

Later on, people starting shortening things to "re joissd" and "scat turd" (I think scat and turds are the same thing, right? Just remember, when you drop your bag of marbles and they go everywhere, that's TWICE as crappy as you think), but when they did, they would replace the "e" with an apostrophe, such as "scatter'd." Rejoiced doesn't work as well for it, because you need the "e" there to indicate the soft "s" sound of the c, so obviously that was a piss-poor example, but it's too late to change it now, I'm on a roll.

Anyway, I'm proposing that we try and return to the style of spelling that puts an apostrophe in any past tense word you can. I'm going to start doing it, at least. I thought about promoting "Cool Archaic Spelling Day," but I suspect that no one would do it, and I'd look like a tool, so I'm gonna start gradually, with just me. I imagine that people at work, or teachers at school, would be confused and annoy'd, so I'd say leave it out of any professional correspondence. But in emails or instant messages or retarded websites, I'd say make sure everything is spell'd (er...spelt? Better look that up) in an amusing, olde timey manner.

Oh, and topic four: (I faked you out! I'm so quality.) Don't forget to look at Kyle's New Girlfriends and vote for a winner! And have a superb day.

NOTE: Rick has pointed out I typed "and" twice, a few paragraphs up. I, in response, pointed out that he has an ass for a face, and struck out the offending word. Problem solved.