Holy Special Needs, Batman! Another multi-topic day! Many of you are probably saying, "Well, that's great and all, but why don't you just write one column on each topic and therefore have more columns per week? Dumbass." In reply, permit me to quote the Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln: "Shut up."

On to the first topic: Women's Fashion. Personally, I think female style is moving in the right direction: more cleavage, and tighter shirts. However, there are a couple of things I'd like to discuss.

Low slung pants: bad idea. Fewer than 5% of the American female population has the right body style for these, and anyone else that wears them ends up with serious backfat issues. I saw a girl today who had on a pair of low pants and a shirt that was dreadfully incapable of covering the rolls of blubber attempting to free themselves from the confines of her pants. It was not fun.

Capri Pants: I've ranted on capri pants in a non-web format before (mostly saying to my wife "WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?"). My view is this: just wear shorts. Capri pants merely mean your cankles get cold, without revealing the part of the leg that's truly interesting, that is, the thigh. If your thighs are unattractive, just get a pair of baggy jeans and some black lipstick and go Goth.

Brassieres: Are you going jogging today? No? Then let them be free. Exceptions can be made if you wish to hoist The Boys up for proper cleavage. It's not like I wear a jockstrap on a daily basis. (I'm probably gonna get stabbed when I get home tonight.)

Jewelry: You only really need one good pair of earrings, a nice simple gold chain necklace, and two rings, tops. Save your money and spend it on something truly useful, like cigarettes, beer, or expensive electronic devices. (I'm trying to help the guys out here, and I get the feeling I'm gonna get stabbed twice.)

Thongs: Actually, these are pretty cool. Forget I mentioned them.

Next topic: Nachos, or, Tuesdays at Kate's Are No Better Than Any Other Day. Sarah and I went over to Klondike Kate's for lunch this afternoon, and we each had the Crab Bisque (exquisite), following it up with the Shore Bird (chicken and lump crab meat in an alfredo sauce over pasta) for me, and the half-price nachos for her. I guess I never really noticed it before, but, um, Kate's nachos are not good. They're dry and meatless, and try to compensate with many different chopped vegetables and some chili and beans on the side. I find it strange that the local establishment's star appetizer is trumped by a similar offering from Taco Bell, and TB uses cheez whiz.

Listen up: there are 3 things that are absolutely crucial to good nachos: excellent cheese, good corn chips, and as much meat as you can fit on the plate. If you want chicken, that's cool, but be it poultry or cow, slather it on there (with as much grease as possible), and then melt some cheddar and jack on top. Anything else you put on is merely decoration, with the possible exception of beans; stick some beans on with the meat, that's good times. Lettuce, tomato, olives, and peppers are all nice things to have, but if you are relying on them to make your nachos tasty because you were too cheap to put a half pound of ground chuck in there, you have failed in your mission.

I will brook no argument. Nachos must have meat, and lots of it. Taco Bell knows this; La Tolteca knows this. Kate's needs to learn this.

In other news, only one shopping day left until my birthday (1/21)! I like CDs, books, and widescreen HDTVs.

Note: It has been pointed out to me that nobody knows what "cankles" are and just think it's a typo. Well, cankles are when your calf blends straight into your ankle without any of the normal narrowing. If you've got them, I'm terribly sorry you do.