Someday, at my first AA meeting, they'll ask me, "Well, Matt, why would you think that drinking scotch at 9 am is a normal pastime?" And I'll have to simply reply, "Homecoming." And everyone will smile and nod, and possibly a few will take a quick nip from a hidden flask.

Most folks think that the end-of-year holiday season kicks off with Halloween. They are wrong. Halloween is just an excuse for people to try to eliminate annoying children through diabetic coma. Homecoming is the perfect way to begin the holidays: with a bang! And quite possibly police action!

This year's University of Delaware Homecoming Spectacular was the first in recent memory that didn't involve a bunch of my friends arriving at my house for an all-day party. This year, Sarah put the kibosh on another Hearn Homecoming Extravaganza, partly because she didn't want another case of morons getting drunk and running around the yard screaming expletives at the neighbors, and partly because she was embarrassed when our friends would arrive at 9am and I'd already be trashed and naked.

This year, we actually got tickets for the game, and drove down to tailgate. We parked at the Chrysler plant across the street, using the logic that the UD cops break up all the tailgating as soon as the game starts, but the Chrysler plant is not UD property, so we could hang out after the game, drink some more, wait for the crowd of cars to clear out, and leisurely get on the road. We sat around, saw some people, drank some beers, downed some scotch, admired some sorority whores, and just before noon went over and got our seats for the game. The game itself was a blowout, 55-10, with Delaware leading 35-0 by halftime; by the end, they had their third-string QB in. We did have thunder sticks, though, so our dorky enjoyment was magnified.

After the game, we headed out. I realized I had to pee, so I ran over to the field house where we had drained a few times earlier. UD, in its infinite wisdom, had closed and locked the building. Why? I don't know. Probably because UD is run by idiots. Anyway, no problem, I just pissed on the building and went to meet my posse at the truck.

Except that for some reason, roughly 200 cops of various organizations were there. When I found my friends, they told me that apparently a riot had started, and mace was involved. Nothing but good times, particularly the stupid woman who hadn't done anything wrong, but insisted on screaming profanity at a cop until he just arrested her and threw her in the car to shut her up. Moron, party of one!

There's really nothing that brings you out of your post-game hangover than some pepper-spray and a nightstick to the throat, I'd reckon. Too bad I missed out on the fun. Oh well, there's always next year!

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